Almost every obituary starts with something like:

Velda L. (nee James) Seege, age 86, of North Tonawanda NY, passed away on Thursday, July 19^th, 2012 following a brief illness.  Mrs. Seege was born on March 26^th, 1926 in Plainview Arkansas, daughter of the late Seth and Katie James.  Worked at….Survived by….Arrangements….the facts.

Then there is a flurry of activity, there are children and grandchildren and great grandchildren to be consoled, there are cars to be driven from places hours away, flights to be booked, who’s picking up whom and where will they all stay.   Then there is a gathering of relations and ceremony and farewells.

For me there is much to be told after all of this, I’m not done.  I’ve known Velda Seege, usually and proudly referred to as Gramma Velda, for thirty five years.   She’s not my grandmother, but the mother of my dear friend and summer sister Kyle.  She is that person that I see almost every time I find myself in Buffalo, that person that has always welcomed me with a knowing smile, a very distinct and powerful laugh a willing ear and God knows she’s heard some of the best and worst of my life.  And a glass of white zinfandel, I moved on from the white zinfandel, she did not….a signature drink is a signature drink no matter.   These are the things I knew about her, these are my precious moments with her.

In the past few days I’ve learned about her independent nature (wait I knew that) her courage, her talents, and the wonderful role model she was to her three daughters.  Not an apron and pearls kind of role model but a real life, here’s what you need to know, kind of role model.  I learned this mostly through the eulogies written and delivered by her daughters.

They say that parents are completely different people after each child is born and that each child’s experience is different in the family.  Nowhere could that have been more apparent than in the presentations done by these three women.  Kim, the oldest, spoke of Velda’s growing up in 1930’s Arkansas, her antics, the framework of her steadfastness, the talents she developed.  Kristen, the youngest, spoke mostly of her life after her husband passed away.  How she came to share her home, how she insisted on putting in the pool (ulterior motive keeping the kids and grandkids close) her work ethic and the friends she made over and over again.

Kyle told the story through her father’s eyes.  Of course she would, she is a fellow father’s daughter.  When he died so suddenly back in 1988 there was no formal eulogy done by the grieving, then much younger, women. As I recall that was left to others.   Kyle spoke so eloquently of him and Velda dancing together so beautifully that everyone on the dance floor would stop to watch.  She spoke of her getting to know her mother so much better after her father had gone, the things they shared and the rock that Velda became to her. Only a father’s daughter could portray the joy that would be their first dance after 25 years albeit in heaven.

Kyle comforted me with her words and I her with the many hugs that we exchanged over the past few days.  Father’s daughters sometimes struggle after they are gone with the relationships they are left to build with their mothers.  There is never any doubt of their love and respect but how exactly do they evolve the mother/daughter relationship going forward.  Kyle is a role model to me in so many ways, I always say she is the smartest woman I know and her words of love for both her father and mother gave me direction once again.

And so we said goodbye to Velda, we spoke of our many interactions with her and the things we loved most about her.  We moved on to the repast to share even more about her and celebrate her life with a toast.  Yes there was white zinfandel and I almost had a glass…but no. She will be remembered fondly by many for a very long time and I’m begging someone to please send me the recipe for her pepper jelly.

So clever is my friend Kyle that she managed to have a respite table at the repast.  All the women seated at this table were of the book club, vacation taking, worked with, former something or other, wine drinking variety.  We all knew each other but many of us had never met.  There was the; oh you’re Alana, oh you’re the women who went to Italy, yes I’m that Sandi.  We were delighted to sit with Reed’s mother and sister and enjoyed their company.  Our table would be the one to turn sorrow to celebration….have a seat Kyle we’ve been waiting for you to make your way over.   All the love you need is right here where you left it.