I had an interesting interaction with two of my male friends today that left me wondering…one was having a day and didn’t want to interact in the normal way these two had established in their relationship. The other didn’t seem to care and bordered on disrespectful by saying now I have to go at you even more. What is that?
So I decided to ask the one who was having none of it why he acted that way, why did he seem to me to be disrespectful to his/our friend. I got the standard, that’s how men are routine. Really? So now I’m curious, what does male friendship look like? Not from my point of view because as soon as a female enters the mix another side of men seems to emerge. More on that later.
In all I’ve read, and that’s not all that much, the difference between male friendships and female friendships can be boiled down, according to a post by Brett and Kate McKay of The Art of Manliness.com, and pictured as two women facing one another, while male friendships can be symbolized as two men standing side by side, looking outwards. The irony of that is the two men were seated side by side when this all unfolded.
It can’t possibly be news to men that the deeper your social connections, the longer and happier you live. Intimate social ties reduce the risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol. People who have the strongest friendship ties over a nine year period cut their risk of death by more than 60% according to one study noted by Deborah Tropp on Askmen.com. The irony of a women posting on Askmen.com is not lost on me.
So what is male friendship? How did it evolve to the name calling, activity oriented, and no-feeling lack of intimacy thing it’s become? To hear the McKays describe it from heroic (noble and intense and intellectual) to 19th century deep feeling daily interaction filled with sentiment in the style of Theodore Roosevelt perhaps. Then the 20th century transformation to fear of being called gay with sentimentality appearing incompatible with manhood, increased mobility resulting from industrialization and relationship shifts toward shared pursuits and no male role models except those from the military where men (to this day) understand the bond needed to keep one another alive. It screams buddy system.
So can men have meaningful friendships? Many believe that they can, I believe they can because I’ve spoken with many men who seem to me to be quite deep and feeling and capable of intimacy. The key there is they are talking to me and men usually feel comfortable showing that side of themselves to women. After all, it’s one of our greatest attributes. We know how to outwardly do friendship.
So what does a man to man friendship look like? In all their name calling (hey jackass, apparently a form of endearment) they know how to show up. They don’t show up ready to listen necessarily although it’s been known to happen, they show up ready to support one another in sport, they understand loyalty, they are straight forward and can assist their friends in moving on, they are non-judgmental. I’m not sure women understand these things but do they have to? Our friendships work for us, theirs work for them. When they need something else from friendship, like say expressing emotion, they will turn to their wives (if they have them), girlfriends (if they are past the stage of having to prove themselves) or women like me who are just there to listen with an open heart to their friends who need to say it out loud. I know like I know that men have a thing or two to learn from women but I also know they’ve got each other’s back when it comes right down to it.