Do you know what you were doing thirty years ago today?  I know exactly what I was doing and where I was and who was there.  I played the best racquetball set I ever had on Sunday morning, September 26^th, 1982.  A girlfriend and I had a knock down drag out tight scored game like never before.  I dove, I smashed, and I served up some of the best lobs ever.  It lasted over two hours and I walked away the victor.

To say this is amazing is an understatement because I am not athletic.  I’m not a klutz and I wouldn’t call myself too uncoordinated but this kind of thing usually isn’t my style.  Somehow racquetball did it for me and I was pretty good at it and I played often.  In my twenties I played almost every day at lunch and yes I was tiny.  Not just short the way I am now but tiny. Like 115lbs tiny.  Stop laughing its true.

I’m really more a walker and a dancer (back in the day anyway, and I had the hair to prove it) but athletics just weren’t my thing so this was a very sweet win. No injuries, no pulls, no bouncing off the walls and jamming my shoulder, ok maybe a little pull. Fabulous. Put me in just the right mood to get married later on that day.

Oh yeah and I got married on September 26^th thirty years ago today.  It was a lovely, small affair and I danced with everyone there.  It was a beautiful fall day and everything went as planned.  I walked my father down the aisle, we brought tears to our mother’s eyes, and we said everything we wanted to say and meant every word of it. Everyone knew it would be a wonderful journey to see us through to our old age. Everyone knew it.  Everyone.

And for quite a while it was a wonderful life.  It was us against the world, the crazy Italian family, the circumstances thrown our way and we had everything life had to offer.  Then it wasn’t a wonderful life, the circumstances became a heavy load and we couldn’t bear it any longer.  Himself (as Cookie so aptly named him) succumbed to addiction and I succumbed to isolation.  Both trying desperately to fight our way out but caught in the mire.  No one’s fault, no bad feelings.  As far as I know, to this day I’ve never said a bad word about himself; he did the best he could.  I did the best I could but what I didn’t know then was that was not good enough.  What I was doing didn’t help either of us and I’m sorry I stayed as long as I did.  Not for the reasons you think, but because had I left sooner we might have been saved sooner, recovered sooner.  Who knows how it all would have turned out?

I left racquetball because I wasn’t good enough.  I left my marriage because I discovered I was good enough and deserved more. I believed I was good at racquetball; turns out everyone passed me by, my abilities were limited.  I believed in my marriage and stayed a very long time, turns out life passed me by, my intentions were good but the road to hell was indeed paved with them.

Where are we now after four years since we’ve divorced?  Himself is doing well, working hard at life and its simple rewards. He keeps in touch and frankly he is still my favorite brother of that family. After a lifetime with someone there are still some things that only they will understand and thankfully we can talk. I’m doing well too.  I believed when I left that I would crawl first, then walk perhaps soar.  I get closer every day.