Many people suffer at different times of the year, most common is around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  I won’t say I suffer, but I become nostalgic, and mournful, and something…between Memorial Day and Father’s Day.  It may seem an odd time but it is steeped in loss, and remorse and second guessing.  It’s also filled with hope but it takes a minute to get there.  It usually culminates in a long discussion with my Father on Father’s day on the way to the Cape but this year is different, I won’t be taking that ride until a few weeks after Father’s Day.

Instead I will spend some time with my dearest friend and niece Carly doing a 5k color run.  Don’t get excited, I’ll be walking but still… I’ll be among people and laughter and joy instead of having the same discussion I’ve been having for the last decade. There is a time to hold on and there is a time to let go.

As if to set in stone this is a time to let go, I happened to attend a funeral mass yesterday for a business associate’s father.  I didn’t know the man but I’ve known his son for fifteen years.  I’m not sure why I decided to go but it was enlightening and emotional and bought me clarity on so many levels.  Normally I am steadfast emotionally at these things but I was tearful at the love shown, the grandchildren left behind, the music, the ritual of the mass, and the regret that my father’s passing was so very different.  It became more and more apparent that his legacy was left exclusively in our hands and what an enormous responsibility we had taken on. The fact is his legacy is ours to treasure we are not responsible for it, we didn’t create it.  It is only up to us to tell his truth.

There is no greater energy than the energy you find within a church or temple or any spiritual place of devotion.  It blankets you whether you are of the sect or not.  I love the feeling but I’ve let go of the need to participate as part of the flock.  So many questions whirl around me are answered by my knowing that “God ain’t mad at me”.  As Lincoln said, “When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad. That is my religion.”

I’ve been journaling my thoughts and revelations over the past two weeks and more and more I’m drawn to the words of one of my Lime Sisters, “My grip is loosening.”  Thank you A’Driane Nieves for the generosity of your truth and your talent, you can’t begin to know the legacy you are creating.  I am grateful for your friendship and sisterhood albeit from afar.  I miss my Lime Sisters and their unbridled energy.  I need a tribe…

My journaling has brought many revelations about introverts vs extroverts, fear, loneliness and motivation. How to begin, when to know if it’s smarter to keep on going or walk away.  What brings joy and what the hell is my purpose.

I’ve come to realize that my purpose comes at a cost.  When you are a go to person and people get what they need they go away. They go away whole and better and joyful and grateful but they do go away.

I’ve also come to realize that my concentration should always be on the ones who stay and become family.  Concentrate on the ones who come back and share their wholeness and a bit of themselves with me on a higher level of equilibrium.

I’m grateful for those wonderful people who let me vent, or rant, or withdraw but don’t freak out as if the world was going to end.  I’m even more grateful for the people who reciprocate what they have gotten without missing a beat. The dear Aunt M’s continue to support and enrich my life.

And so my soul cleanse these past few weeks has been difficult and rewarding.  It has been emotional and joyful.  It has cemented my story the way I want it told.  My six word memoir, a woman of substance who shared, still rings true to me.  I am looking forward to letting go that which is no longer mine and embracing that which belongs to me.