Author Archives: Sandi LoConti

Christmas Nostalgia

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2013-12-14 cookie making (17)

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.  As if that isn’t difficult enough add Christmas to the mix and you’ve really got your work cut out for you.  I’ve pretty much got it down after five years on Stowe Lane but I can assure you I’m not immune to the vortex of Christmas nostalgia.

I go to a mall only one day in the season, usually with my sister so I can keep her from hyperventilating over her list; who to leave on, who to take off, who’s kids are too old now, who blah blah blah.  Mostly it’s about dinner afterwards as we can breeze through one of the minor malls, on a Wednesday, when the weather is beautiful outside so no one wants to shop.  See what I’m sayin.  What I don’t do in the mall is listen to the music.  To this day, when they get to the “fall on your knees” part of Oh Holy Night I’m a tearful mess.  Don’t know why but it grips me EVERY TIME.  It has shades of church nostalgia when you didn’t know any better, it has shades of A Christmas Carol; I’m on my knees Jacob Marley, on my knees.  Jeez, I’m killin myself over here.  And there’s the time himself was on his knees hoping for a way out of his maze.  When you are an accidental witness to something that personal it sticks with you.

The Christmas movies are making the rounds on every channel at any hour of the day.  I don’t watch them on TV; I pull out my favorites and have a heart wrenching nostalgia fest with no commercial interruption. George C. Scott is hands down my favorite Ebenezer Scrooge.  Come home from Sandra’s on Christmas Eve and in it goes, wake up the next morning and amazingly the spirits have done it all in one night.  Just sayin.

And then there’s It’s a Wonderful Life.  In our darkest hours, in the depths of our despair I so wanted someone to come through our door with a laundry basket filled with cash to save our mess.  I had to let that go because it didn’t happen.  Now I can watch the movie and feel like a George Bailey myself, just doing the next right thing.  But I must say there is that moment when you let yourself go back, just for a second to remember from whence you came.  And yes Clarence, no man is a failure who has friends.  I am incredibly rich now.

I have a beautiful little tree on Stowe Lane, I put it up each year by myself but it’s a different kind of put it up by myself now. There was a time when I resented putting the tree up by myself as I resented so many of the things I had to do by myself.  There’s irony in that these days, much of everything I do, I do happily by myself.  I’m starting to believe that one of the definitions of irony might just be letting go of what isn’t yours.

A friend of mine brought his children over for “cookie day”.  Thankfully most of my serious cookies were already done so we could just enjoy watching the kids roll out, cut out, start again, decorate etc.  They watched while I pressed the butter cookies out, both of them standing on the little chair/stool that my sister used to sit on to watch the cookies bake in the oven when we were kids.  There was such déjà vu in that moment, the sound of the cookie press hitting the cookie sheet, the giggles from the kids, I might have glimpsed a bit of what my mother experienced when she was the chief cookie baker. Makes me wonder if there will be cookies when I’m her age; but that isn’t mine to hold on to either.

It snowed all day yesterday.  The kind of snow that is reminiscent of Christmases past.  Stuck in the house, the smell of cookies in the air, bundled up fun with the dogs romping through the enchanted forest, and nostalgia hanging in the air.  Funny thoughts enter your head, like having to wait for Dad to “set up the lights for the camera” before you could get out of bed to see what was under the tree.  Those cameras no longer exist and my father is gone too.  The smell of pine coming from a candle instead of the tree, I long ago let go of having a real tree when our little Dobie didn’t realize the smell inside is different from the smell outside and lifted his leg.  These were fleeting thoughts tucked in to one of the most wonderful days I could have had.  Being stuck in the house is never a problem for me, I love my home.  Baking cookies in my tiny little kitchen is more like choreography but I’m so good at the dance.  Spending time with children who are making cookies is always fun.  And best of all a phone call from my friends Benno and Harumi who now live in Amsterdam.  Lively conversation, picking up where we left off, laughing, sending love across the wires is an amazing gift.

If I were to sum up the Christmas season and how best to get through those flashes of nostalgia, I would say to honor them.  Feel them all the way through, take the moment and know that whether it is happy or sad it has made you what you are in this moment.  Enjoy the season, remember what it really stands for and go with that.  Make yourself engage even if it’s hard, we are watching a friend of ours deny all that is joyful and it’s breaking our hearts.

From all that I was to all that I have become I know like I know there truly is balance in the holding on and the letting go.

No, You Can’t Buy Christmas Spirit

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DSC_0821But I found it everywhere this week.

In my wood bin:

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From my oven:

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Catching up with Fran:

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Putting up the tree:

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I even found it at the doctor’s office.  Sorry no picture available for that one.  I’ve had a cough for weeks, a bark actually, and it’s plucked my last nerve so I decided to investigate with someone who actually went to medical school.  The thing is there’s really nothing wrong, no pneumonia, no sinus infection, not a smidge of temperature, just this nagging bark.  Perhaps it’s residual from an upper respiratory infection he said.  Wouldn’t I have noticed an upper respiratory infection?  I’m a huge believer in stresses manifesting themselves in the body…just saying, person who keeps touting misinformation all over the company about things you don’t understand.  But I digress, the Christmas spirit appeared as Advair, which is very expensive, but came in the form of a two-week SAMPLE.

Christmas spirit is giving, service, love, sharing, and human connection.  It’s not material, you should never have to buy it for the sake of the season.  Simply send someone home with cookies for their morning coffee.

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year….Charles Dickens

 

Thanksgiving Week Anniversary

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A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog … Continue reading →

Kudos

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Cherry on TopThe art of the compliment, both giving and receiving, is essential to making your way in the world.  It gets you out of your sense of entitlement and brings you a human barometer of how you’re doing.  You don’t have a sense of entitlement you say…do you know how to accept a compliment with grace?  The “all in a day’s work” line isn’t it, the “oh I just slapped this together” line isn’t it, so how does one accept praise from others in the spirit of knowing that’s what you’re working toward while not wanting to seem conceited or dismissive?

Don’t deflect.  If someone is taking the time to voice that they’ve noticed your accomplishment, or found you engaging, or are happy for you or, or, or, don’t insult them by diminishing their praise. Now what do they do?  You’ve put them in an awkward position by making them second guess their choice.  And you know what, continue to deflect and watch the number of compliments your receive decline.

Nothing makes me unhappier than to watch people shy away from compliments.  I love giving them. I met a woman getting into an elevator recently that had the best red shoes ever.  I couldn’t wait to gush about them and she needed the boost to be quite honest. She started at really, you think so? And went on to I can’t believe you noticed them to I love them and everyone else is all they’re not really you.  She walked in head down and walked out all full of her red shoes, she worked them pretty good after that, all the way through the lobby.  Good for her.

I love compliments; it’s truly my barometer of how I’m doing out there. That, and thank you cards, sustains me through the year.  I’ve even got a top five list of them I reflect on when I’m not thinking that much of myself:

5. You never go somewhere the same way twice; you get from one place to the other differently than anyone else.  Love that! Because I am my father’s daughter, he explored every time he went somewhere. If I can take the “long way home” I almost always will because that was such an integral part of being with him.

4. You got a way of looking at things.  I sure do, I learned long ago that perspective is all you’ve got and as many times as mine has changed it has never strayed from the core of who I am.

3. Your home is so three dimensional. There is so much to look at. Our family friend, Jeanette, taught me that if you surround yourself with things you love that they will always match. If all I’m doing in my home is paying homage to her then I am happy but really if you’re not walking into your home and exhaling at the same time isn’t something wrong.  If you’re going to rejuvenate anywhere, shouldn’t it be your home?

2. There is a woman I work with that always greets me in such a way that I know she’s truly happy to see me.  Her compliment sticks with me every day whether I’m in work or not. She said I’m always so happy when you’re here.  It’s like having to go to a family event and finding out that fun cousin that everyone likes to sit next to is going to be there!  If I could have that effect on everyone I meet it would make me so joyful, it would mean I’m doing things right.

1. You can slap someone so hard they think they got a kiss.  I know, it doesn’t really sound like a compliment but it is.  If you can have the hard conversations with people and they can walk away feeling good about themselves, and you, then that’s a compliment.  I received this bit of insight from someone in the Foodservice business many, many, many years ago and it not only stuck with me but became part of who I am.  When defending people who work for you, when defending your position, when “counseling” the most thick headed in the bunch if you can stand your ground in such a way that you get what you need without destroying a relationship or a person’s morale you are indeed blessed.  I summon this bit of wisdom up whenever I can and hope that it will continue to serve me for the rest of my life.

The next time someone compliments you, simply, say, thank you.  Take it in and use it over and over again.  The more of these you receive the better off you, and others around you, will be because you’re doing the right thing.  As an added bonus those people noticing and doling out those comments will continue to do so keeping your barometer steady and on course.  I know like I know.

Lady Shmady

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Woman, writer and lover of all things ordinary.  That’s how I describe myself; the word lady doesn’t really exist for me.  Not in the strictest definition of the word.  From Wikipedia: The word lady is a civil term of respect for a woman, specifically the female equivalent to gentleman or lord. Once confined to usage when specifically addressing women of high social class or status; over the last 300 years, the term has spread to embrace every adult woman.

From Merriam Webster: A woman who behaves in a polite way, a woman of high social position, a man’s girlfriend, a woman of superior social position, a woman of refinement and gentle manners.

So it took 300 years, and you believe that the term has morphed into one that embraces every adult woman, thus the more accurate Merriam Webster version of the definition.  Come on.  There is a connotation to the word lady that I’ve never fit into and thankfully it has served me well.

Being among the first women to wear pants in the banking industry finally getting rid of the stockings and garter belts was huge in the early 70’s.  Consistently applying for “Help Wanted – Male” positions made me very unladylike. Standing up for what I believe in, voicing my opinion, being the one to introduce other women to education for the sake of learning rather than marrying, and to this day trying to insure young women don’t take for granted where we came from, all not very lady like.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not militant. I believe I’m pragmatic. I’m not picketing or demonstrating just going about my daily life trying to live what I believe, my truth. In researching this post I came across several “rules” one must follow to be considered a lady:

Make introductions, say please and thank you, have good posture, be respectful toward others, be charming, don’t use profanity or overeat or drink excessively, maintain your personal hygiene, dress elegantly and keep your clothing clean and pressed.  Don’t wear excessive makeup or revealing clothing. Really?  I can’t.  Isn’t this just common sense, isn’t this just part of being a genuine human being.  Aren’t these the same rules that a “gentleman” should be following to make his way in the world?

I love Nora Ephron’s quote: “Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”

Long before I knew about this quote I chose not to be a lady.  I chose to be a genuine, caring, educated, outspoken, human being.  As a kid, I lost many a white glove and soiled many a dress. I questioned authority, so much so that I can’t imagine that my parents ever spoke to me again after my teens.  I changed drastically after those knock down drag out temper tantrums in the name of what is fair and progressive.  I did not, however, change into a “lady”.

I feel like the word lady should always be in quotes.  The meanings are outdated and condescending and would never be replicated in “gentlemen” speak.  Men are always talking about women being a “lady on the street and a freak in the bed”. How about simply embracing the strength of woman and knowing that their common sense is honed well enough to know that public and private behavior is just plain protocol. Seriously stop talking garbage people.

How about we discard both the lady and gentlemen monikers and discuss things on a human level.  On a level that contributes the best of both sexes and all that is human to a collective equality.  What did I say?  It could actually happen, look at the number of fathers staying home with kids, look at the number of woman finally running for office, look at the number of people becoming minimalist in their own fashion.  So much is changing that defies the gender “high standards”.

I started thinking about this subject when my friend described her Mom as a true lady.  I believe she was a true lady in the context of the time she grew up in.  For those of us who grew up at that moment in time when we finally had the nerve to voice our opinions all bets were off on the ladylike portion of the show.  It is an outdated term that I truly hope will be replaced by something like woman of substance, man of substance, person of substance.

Many of you know that I am a huge fan of the six word memoir.  I hope my legacy will read something like this:  A woman of substance who shared.