I’ve never been good at goodbyes she said, and now I know that he isn’t either.  I don’t know why that reply to a recent blog post is sticking in my head.  I think my fear is that knowing you’re not good at goodbyes might hold you back from the hellos.  I can’t think of two people more destined to say hello than these two people.  I don’t know them nearly as well as I know their energy, especially hers.  It has depth and breadth and magnitude. They are made of circumstance and substance.  I know, I am too.

But I’m good at goodbyes.  I’ve said goodbye to people, dogs (both living and dead), places that I thought were mine (but not so much), perfect kitchens, cottages that could easily be moved to the Cape, and a life that was far too hard to live.

I’m good at a certain kind of hello, the kind that gets people to talk to me about themselves and their stuff.   The kind of hello that puts a room at ease while putting insulation around me I can pull off pretty well.  People always say hello to me, always. My friend Sandra says, “It’s the face…”.

I had a huge Ah Ha moment the other morning while walking the dogs.  Down the street came our friend Steve and his dog Karma (yes the dog’s name is Karma) and the girls lunged.  Tails wagging, happy crying and woofing and it occurred to me that they weren’t lunging to attack, they just didn’t know how to say hello.   Oh no.

Do I know how to say hello?  Saying hello to someone standing right in front of you, for no other reason than to make their acquaintance, can be difficult if your capacity to trust has been diminished.  What will their reaction be?  Will they like you?  Are they what they appear to be?  Question after question go through your mind at lightning speed and somehow the hello never comes out of your mouth.

Goodbyes are based mostly in the fact that people change.  If you changed, if they changed, someone changed.   Hello brings the promise of things changing, something going right, things falling together.  Marilyn Monroe said it best, “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Not entirely sure that I should follow her philosophy but I get it.  It’s the yin and yang.  So now what?  Practice practice practice?  Examine your motivation?  Take a chance?  All these things require courage and a certain vulnerability that will come in time if only…you can learn to trust someone other than just yourself.

Trusting in myself, oh OK that I get it.  There is a saying from my old life, what’s the worst that can happen?  Too often in my old life I found out exactly what the worst was that could happen.  But now, with every week and month and year that goes by I can see what the best is that can happen.  I just gotta know like I know that hello won’t bite me in the ass.  There it’s out there.
 

So many terrific things happened in the past week (there were a few pain in the ass moments too) that I felt compelled to make a list of future considerations.  Points that have somehow wound their way through this past week to make it what it was and how to capture them to create circumstances that will continue the trend.

10.          Opinions – I’ve got them, shocking I know. One’s personal opinions are never wrong by virtue of the fact that they are opinions. Completely ignore anyone who says your opinions are wrong because their ignorance of the concept of opinion is self-serving and ignorant. Even if their opinions are based in incorrect data you are not going to change them and they are entitled to their view.  I want to base my own opinions in well-rounded fact finding, openness to varied views combined with personal experience and strong emotional links.  In other words, stay current, well read and open to new ideas.  I’ve also learned that it is not always necessary to share ones opinions…so much more on that later.

9.            Plan B –I’ve been there done that, living in perpetual Plan B isn’t healthy, soulful, or fun in any way.  However, shit happens and sometimes the best of intentions can get thrown under the bus.  Learn to distinguish when plan B is just an excuse for laziness, blatant disregard for me or when any number of real life factors intervenes to create an unavoidable and unintentional slight.  Recognize those who continue to force you into Plan B and get them out of your life quickly, at the very least demote them to arm’s length status to avoid any further pain in the ass moments.

8.            Exercising –It can be mind-numbingly boring…..I really want to find more ways to exercise that are fun.  They’re out there, so I’ll open myself up to seek help, ask, join, enlist people who can rally round my quest…and find a way to make exercising something I want to do on my own and with like- minded buddies. You know the ones that need to be pushed and prodded to get going.

7.            Posture –It’s important, you don’t want to look like your Grandmother, and you can easily look 5-10 lbs. thinner just by standing up straight. I need to find a way to recognize the slouch and picture my mother giving me that poke in the back to make me stand up straight. Catching that off handed glimpse in the mirror is getting frightening.  Agghhh

6.            Eating –Do not use food for anything other than for what it was intended, nourishment and joy. Read and reread Peter Kaminsky’s Culinary Intelligence.  Value the flavor per calorie (FPC) concept.  Never beat myself up for enjoying anything wonderful (i.e. Haagen Dazs Carmel Cone Ice Cream, Rispoli’s sfigliatele) and always try to use food for energy, nutrients and love.

5.            Laughing –This is an essential part of daily, yes daily, living.  It should be done often, loudly, and with abandon.  It should be done alone and with others.  This is a fundamental piece of my living. Thank you Willa for your ever insightful and hilarious mini FB blog posts.

4.            Companionship – Can you find joy in every day?  Those with kindness, humor, common interests, loving and patient ways need only apply.

3.            Friends – Facebook has it pretty well covered when it comes to categorizing and required actions. New friends are not immediate close friends, old friends are unimaginably more valuable than close friends and require a list of their own, and an acquaintance is not any less for their limited prominence in my life.  The need to establish settings/boundaries is important and to recognize when one must unfriend someone is immeasurably beneficial to one’s own well-being.

2.          Family, family, family.  One does not have to have been born into to be a family member.  My family is everything to me.  My extended family is everything to me.  Family, family, family.

1.            Health – Be your own advocate, take the time to know your body, do not procrastinate and be not afraid of anything.  Be kind to your body, it will take you far into your crotchety old age if given the chance.

These are my future considerations. Define your list, be it consideration, bucket or f**k it.  Know where you’ve been, learn from your experiences, and create your future.  This list has been a long time in the making and will morph and grow over time.  In each of these considerations a bit of legacy will take shape and carry me well into my very old, need a sippy cup for my wine, pastry loving old age.   I know like I know.