Sew Happy

never under estimate

So far today, I’ve hemmed two pairs of pants, mended a sweater, tacked the sagging drape linings, and whistled (ok more like hummed since I can’t really whistle) happily at my brand new sewing machine.

I learned to sew over forty years ago. A little bit from a Home Economics class in school but more from my two Aunts, Nettie and Millie.  Of the four girls in my mother’s family; my mother was the baby, my Aunt Lucy was the gypsy and Nettie and Millie were the milliners/dressmakers/slip coverers/menders and shakers of the family.

So once I went through my home ec class they began their unmaking of bad habits and molding (more like ripping) me into a fine seamstress.  Each had their style, it was a bit like good cop bad cop, but both were amazing and creative with highly professional results.  Their garments were beautiful and so well made that I’m sure some of them are still around today in someone’s attic closet.   Most of the old snapshots illustrated their work, no one EVER bought clothes.  That crap, Millie would say.

I remember Aunt Nettie’s sewing room like it was a play land.  It was the former front porch of her house. You had one step to go down and the floor had bits of thread everywhere.  Her sewing machine was right in front of the window and there was a closet filled with this and that.  Patterns, “borrowed” spools of thread from the factories she worked in, stacks of remnants, boxes of pins, the iron, the ironing board, all the accouterments filled this tiny little room.

My Aunt Millie had a corner in her tiny little Astoria apartment for sewing but mostly she did her work at our house.  In the basement.  When she came almost every Saturday, don’t get my Mother started on that one, there was always time spent in the basement at the “machine”.  The machine was an old Singer in its own cabinet right along the base of the stairs.  To the left was my grandmother’s metal topped kitchen table (which I now have in my office/sewing room) and to the left of that was the ironing board and iron (which my mother constantly wanted to know “did you turn the iron off?”…sometimes yes, sometimes no).

first singer

I distinctly remember making a blouse, complete with placket, button holes and a collar that must have been ripped out five times until I got it perfectly straight by Aunt Millie (yes she was the bad cop).  I remember learning the art of perfect top stitching from Aunt Nettie.  I remember fighting with Aunt Millie (like I had any kind of opinion) about basting. I remember the now famous Grandma line, “I was like you, you’ll be like me” being thrown at me when I so easily threaded a needle for her and laughed. I am indeed now like her.

I remember the smell of the machine oil, the heat from the lamp and the sound of the needle going up and down.  They are fond memories for me and every time I sit at the machine I think of them both.

Aunt Millie was always doing for us when we were kids and into our adult years too.  She purchased a sewing machine for my sister and me and had them safely stashed up in our attic for when we got married (tradition, dowry, who the hell knows).  I moved out on my own before I got married so the machine with my name on it came with me.

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The new machine was an upgrade, for sure, from the one we were using in the basement and I put it to good use sewing curtains, day bed covers, bolster covers, pillows and even covering my seat cushions on the wicker furniture.  It went forward and back, had a button hole attachment and ok it got me through.  I used it for many years and was grateful to have it.

My sister, on the other hand, left hers in my mother’s attic well after she moved out.  So when mine began to die a slow death I retrieved it with the promise that whatever she needed sewn I would help her out.

One look at the box had me rocketing to Jupiter.  There it was the Singer Touch Tronic 1060, pushbutton, seventeen different stitches, automatic button holes, auto reverse, and auto bobbin winder.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I was working for ten years on a machine that went forward and back.  Sewed everything under the sun while this automatic, one touch, do everything without changing one piece, even stand on your head for you machine was in the ATTIC?  What the hell was Millie thinking?  My name clearly on the box with the naked, simple, back breaking machine and Terri’s name on the super duper deluxe model.  You can’t make this up people.

Sing_1060

So shake it off and be grateful that we have finally found each other at last.  And for the next 15 years we made up for and used every one of those seventeen stitches, button holed our way to new blouses and shower curtains and went forward and back at the touch of a button.

Until recently.  When I moved to Stowe Lane my machine began to scream every time I turned it on.  Literally it would scream.  Something in the way the rod was rubbing something made this noise that sent the dogs running for cover and me pulling my hair out.  If you kept going long enough it would stop…and then start again…and then slap it and it would stop.  Finally, almost five years later, it was fighting me while I was hemming a pair of jeans.  Of course I wanted to wear them that night.  Of course the bobbin thread was binding.  Of course it was screaming and not stopping.  OMG just shoot me.  I finally got through with the tiny little job that should have taken a minute.  I unplugged the machine, yanked the cord and the foot pedal off of it.  Picked it up by putting my arm through the middle (it weighed about two hundred pounds…ok maybe thirty five pounds) and marched out the door toward the dumpster.  Quite the spectacle as Muriel can attest.  She graciously relieved me of the machine and walked it to the dumpster for me while I ranted to beat the band.  Just a tiny little episode on Stowe Lane nothing to be alarmed about.

I had never bought a sewing machine before, I had no idea what they cost so I was pleasantly surprised to find I could own a very nice machine for about 139.00.  Really?  I’ve been fighting with the screaming machine for almost five years and for less than my monthly grocery bill I could get a new one.  Live and learn…again.

singer fashion mate

Thanks to Amazon, my new machine arrived two days later.  It has 70 different stitches, all the automated blah blah you can possibly think of.  And because I laughed at Aunt Millie all those years ago about not being able to thread a needle I bought the one that has the needle threader.  Just saying.

The “Girls”

the bmw girls

Once upon a style a few dozen pounds ago I could show off a turtleneck sweater with the best of them.  I’m not talking about Nora Ephron hide my neck kind of show off I mean Marilyn Monroe kind of pinup girl show off.

Being stacked is both a blessing and a curse.  Blessing in that men find you attractive and it evens out your damn hips. Curse because you can’t, well, play golf for instance.  Furthermore, you can’t wear button down shirts that fit your shoulders without busting a button. Get it? 

Many and I mean many, years ago there was a test you could do to decide whether you were able to wear a tube top, you remember those right?  If you could slide a pencil, you remember those too right, under your breast and it fell to the ground you could wear a tube top.  Wear one without looking like those tubes of polenta that start to smush and mush when they get warm that is. Just sayin.  I was NOT one of those girls. 

I was, and still am, one of those women that need a cast iron bra.  The lift and separate using underwire and stays and side panels and four hook kind.  There is no lace or front closure or racer back or, god forbid, padding.  There is minimizing, end of story.

Like many young girls, when I started to develop I thought what the hell am I going to do with these?  To make them less out there I would hunch a bit.  At thirteen you don’t want to be attractive to men, you just want to fit in with the other kids.   Posture wasn’t as important then and damn am I paying for that now, Dowagers hump here I come.

So now I have to really pay attention and I was reminded of that just recently.  We had a wonderful gathering of women friends to wish one of our own congratulations in her new job.  Truly it was wonderful until the cameras came out. 

I’m a big fan of perfect storms and boy did this one roar in and do some damage.  Combine a few glasses of wine, a relaxed pose (read shitty posture), a well worn in bra (more like tin than iron clad), and a clingy turtleneck sweater and you have a very rude awakening.

So ok pass the cameras around and now let’s have a look.  OMG.  Here I go again, what the hell am I going to do with those.  They look a lot like tubes of polenta doing what warm polenta in the tube does.  I can’t help but laugh my head off at the sight and the girls, at the dinner that is, did too. The words that spring immediately to mind are Old Italian woman.

While this Old Italian woman is damn glad that her breasts are healthy and tested negative for cancer she is awake now.  So six pounds and three new cast iron, minimizing, foundations (as they were once called) later I have started down the path of redemption.   Breaking in those bras is no easy task as most women are fully (lol) aware.  Someone tell me again why men do not have one piece of clothing that needs to be broken in.  No maybe don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.

 I’m sure I won’t give up turtlenecks because I live in the Northeast and it gets damn cold but I know like I know that rocking a clingy turtleneck like Marilyn Monroe is more about attitude, posture and a damn good bra than anything else.

Where I Used to Live

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Addiction is a vacuum.  It sucks everyone and everything into its grasp.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

When you listen for the breathing, when you listen for movement, when you believe, when you are disappointed.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

When you see the potential in someone, when you know their circumstances, when they continue to fall and picking them up is only empowering to you not them. When you dare to think you can save them you only destroy yourself.   Your fundamental goodness is counterintuitive to what an addict needs.  It then becomes a race to see who will hit bottom first.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

It’s where I used to live.  Now I’ve moved.  To calm, to peace, to the enchanted forest.  I live here now, among all the things that tell my story of escape and joy and very little of what once was. I’ve put the hard life in its place but perhaps there are some boxes that I’ve yet to open.

My home has no attic in which to keep secrets and yet I hear noises coming from above.  Sadly they are familiar noises that sound exactly like a vacuum running. I find myself listening hoping they will stop like when you go too far and the plug pulls from the wall.  I didn’t think I could volunteer to do the cleaning upstairs, I didn’t think I was capable.  I struggled with the helping/hurting of yet another addict.  I know all too well the road to hell is paved with my good intentions.  I can’t go to hell again.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

But the noises get louder, and then they stop.  Like when you go too far and the plug pulls from the wall.  I can’t ignore the silence, silence could indeed be deadly.  Rally my resources, don’t do this alone, seek counsel of the authorities, seek your younger strength and let’s act.  I can’t bear the silence, I can’t live with the dichotomy of such a good person in free fall not having a soft place to land.

It all comes back, the whole script, all the steps, the surprise, the love required to take someone from the comfort of their addiction into the discomfort of detox and the twelve steps and the sponsor and the ninety meetings in ninety days and the and the and the.  There are times when I deeply resent knowing what I know and then there are times that I am keenly aware that they may save someone’s life…if they allow it.

That said, unpacking those boxes this weekend has been difficult for me, and while I know this shouldn’t be about me, I lived the hard life and I know the heartache.  My friend is safely tucked away in detox, her sisters are trying to fix her but I am giving them the three Cs in every phone call, they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it and they certainly can’t cure it.  I know like I know that I will only do this this one time, that people need to live their own consequence after being given all the tools they need to make it in the world of the clear minded, they are in charge, they too have their own three’s, serenity to accept the things they cannot change, courage to change the things they can and wisdom to know the difference.   God I just want my hour back.

International Women’s Day

 

 intl womens day 2

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.  ~Arnold Haultain

I’ve done my share of sighing for some of the women around me.  They struggle with things most can’t imagine, yet they go to work each day.  They are giving birth and mourning parents.  They are holding their breath waiting for test results and jumping for joy when results come back negative.  Funny how that word negative can bend in both directions. 

Women are making their way in the world around and about and because of and in spite of any number of circumstances because they are made of something bigger than themselves.  I consider myself a woman of substance and circumstance and I know many like me.  We stand beside one another and tend, feed, nurse, educate, monitor, walk with, cry with, hold each other’s hands and hearts at a moment’s notice. 

There are also women and girls that lack substance not yet having acquired a laundry list of circumstances from which to draw.  How can we show them without preaching, disrespecting or belittling?  How can we keep watch over them yet not interfere in the circumstances that are so essential to growth and wisdom? How can we live our lives successfully so that we become contagious to those around us who will be left to carry on?  What will our/my legacy be to women yet to develop and thrive? 

The fact is I don’t know.  My gift to myself was to set my sights on crawling.  Many have watched me crawl and struggle toward walking, standing just to the side in case.  Then walking, more confidence, less anxiety, more happiness, less profound sadness, more quiet, less chaos.  More me, less everyone else but never abandon my love of others and lose focus on my authenticity.   

My gift to others will be to finally soar.  In the hopes that each one will take from me and my journey what might work for them.  To recognize my circumstances are mine but that they will indeed have theirs too.  To understand that substance comes in time but is based in genuine living and service to others.  All this without losing oneself.   

intl womens day 3

My hope for the women in my life on this International Women’s Day is that their sighs are replaced with exhales and that their circumstances are manageable and that their substance comes fast and easy through a life of authenticity and joy.  That they know they are worthy just the way they are and that their voice is always heard.  These are lofty hopes but I know like I know my women deserve nothing less.  Celebrate yourselves today and all your women will learn from you too.

 

A Little Shakespeare Among Friends

shakespeareOh to be among friends in the company of Shakespeare. Every once in a while my summer sister Kyle and I meet up for a “what do you think? shall we?” kind of weekend.   This time it was to see the closing show of BAMA Theater Company’s final performance of 12th Night in New Brunswick, NJ.  Our dear friend David has been part of the company for some time and was playing the role of Orsino and Antonio.  This is a small company sprung from the Alabama Shakespeare Festival doing wonderful work.  Their tag line for 12th Night;             bama

So each of the actors played multiple roles to an audience mixed with students, adults, parents, friends of actors and friends of the NJ State Theater Group in the lovely little Crossroads Theater.

Logistics can be tricky when it comes to Kyle and me meeting up.  Her friend Jan was supposed to join us but due to a wicked eye infection she had to stay back.  Back in Buffalo that is.   Of course the plane was delayed so lunch went into Plan B, no worries Kyle and I do Plan B better than most.  When I scoop her up (after going to the right terminal) I say what I always say to her after a long absence, “start talking”.  Catching up went from the car, to the hotel, to the bar, to dinner with David before his performance.

You’ve often heard me say that Kyle is the smartest woman I know, so add David, the self-proclaimed Shakespeare Nerd, and I very easily could have been left behind for the duration.  Not so my friends, not so fast.   I know enough about Shakespeare to be…not dangerous certainly…engaged.  I find him interesting but what I find more interesting is listening to impassioned people discuss the nuances, the back stories, the research they’ve done, the real Shakespeare.  That is riveting, no my head did not spin, no I didn’t make a fool of myself.  They would never let that happen such is their benevolence of the unenlightened woman that is me…

David’s opening speech includes one of the play’s most famous lines, as the unhappy, lovesick Orsino tells his servants and musicians, “If music be the food of love, play on.” In the speech that follows, Orsino asks for the musicians to give him so much musical love-food that he will overdose (“surfeit”) to rid himself of the need for love once and for all. I know this because I listened with intent to our dinner conversation, the introduction of the image of love as something unwanted, something that can’t be avoided.  Exploring concepts like imagination and reality.

I thoroughly enjoyed the performance and the after- show- continued- conversation- until- well- past- my- bedtime completed a perfect day.  I slept like the dead having appreciated, probably for the first time, Shakespeare’s genius, the passion of good friends for their lives and their work, and I learned so much.   I consider myself a lifelong learner and I relished being in good hands.

Breakfast brought more wonderful conversation.  Kyle and I have always loved good conversation, we banter and laugh and explore and probe and wonder and share better than most but there are moments, too, of quiet that have never been uncomfortable for either of us.  This friendship is blessed.

Coffee with David and we are headed back to the airport (yes I went to the right terminal this time) and off she went. ..neither of us really knowing when the next “what do you think? shall we?” moment might come again but confident in the knowledge that it will indeed turn up when we least expect it.