October is breast cancer awareness month.  You will know someone diagnosed with breast cancer, you will not know what to say.  Perhaps we can help.  With my dearest Summer Sister’s permission I post the following letter sent to her back in July when she was newly diagnosed.  The most important thing to say is I love you, the number of times you say it can’t ever be enough….

My Dearest Summer Sister,

I love you.  Doesn’t seem like enough but I know it is.  I’m here, albeit 400 miles away, and I can be there in a matter of hours.

What life has in store for us?  Those statistics of one in eight ring loud in my ears as I count the people I would die for, you among them.  Thank God we live in the time that we do, where technology meets spirituality at the tipping point of living a long and happy life.  I have faith in your power of life, I have faith in your spirit, I have faith even if you don’t for a moment
or two.

There is much work to be done now.  All of us are included in that work; we of the praying and universe summoning, you of the healing and positivity; we of the caring about….you, you of the caring for…yourself.  It’s that time in your life to concentrate on the power you have within you to heal and love and live.  We can guide, we can pray, we can run and do the errands, we can
clean and cook and cajole but you, my dear, must do the healing.

The options are endless, no wonder your mind is racing with questions and concerns.  Find strength to hear all the options and know that you have people who can hear better than you at this moment in time.  Rely on their clarity and understanding and counsel with them to your advantage.  Blessed are the breast navigators of the world for they know like they know.

Leave a part of you open to the spiritual and emotional options.  Consider them as part of your healing and enlist all those that you can to help you maneuver that territory.  I, for one, will be sending strength and love daily and praying God gives you everything you need to draw wisdom and health from this turn.

Do not stay private with this for too long.  I know you are a lone fighter sometimes and that can’t work this time.  Give us the word and many upon many will be sending you strength and love.  The power of that energy can’t be harnessed quickly enough.  Let us do much of the spiritual work for you while you find your way to a healthy rest of your life.

I believe that you will be well soon.  I believe that you will go on to live a happy and wonderful life.  I believe that you deserve the most happy of endings.

I know like I know that life will never be the same but I believe that it can be better for you.  You probably can’t hear that now but I will hold the thought for you and continue to pray for your safe passage through this rough water.  Isak Dinesen said, “The cure for everything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.”  I will bring you, this time, to the Cape.  For all that we’ve been through, for all that we are yet to go through, I remain your Summer Sister at the ready.

All my love, slc

I’ve never had the honor or privilege of being a parent, nor have I had the aggravation or lament that comes with being a parent.  I have, however, had the great fortune to know several wonderful parents; family and friends of mine who have raised fine upstanding children.  One in particular is raising several children of varying ages at a time of great unrest in her life.  She has sorted things out so beautifully I thought, with her permission, I’d share her conclusions. 

Our children need TWO loving parents who…

·        Are present and allow them to be themselves, making their own mistakes – even the same mistakes over and over until they learn.

·        Understand that they’ve made plenty of mistakes over and over and probably will continue to do so…until they, too, learn.

·        Make them feel safe enough to tell the truth – the truth about something they may have done terribly wrong or the truth about something that may seem minor to them – such as breaking curfew or forgetting a chore

·        Understand that we, too, forget stuff at times and are willing to imagine ourselves in their shoes

·        Make them feel important and that their opinions are valid – even if a 6 year old has an opinion that makes no sense in a grown up world

·        Leave the lines of communication open – for useless facts that they just feel the need to say or major events that affect their lives.

·        Don’t leave them with emotions they may never have experienced before.

·        Don’t blame themselves every time one of their children make a mistake, are less than perfect or needs extra help

·        Don’t turn every issue into something other than what it is – stay focused on the issue and don’t overdo it

·        Fight or argue in front of them, but take immediate accountability for their actions, helping them understand that even people who love each other have disagreements and it’s not always the end of the world.

·        Pay attention to them when they have something to say – or even when they aren’t looking

·        Catch them doing something good or right more often than when they do something wrong.

·        Are selfless – enough to take control of themselves in the midst of chaos and pay attention to the most important truths – love and protection of your children

·        Teach them how to be strong – by example, not just with words

·        Are willing to go to any lengths to protect them and their home

·        Make mistakes and love themselves enough to accept them – so the children can learn to love themselves as well if they make mistakes

·        Are proud of them and everything they are capable of – not who are always angry at their shortcomings

·        Love each other honestly and safely

·        Are at peace with themselves and the world around them

·        Can teach them about God and the power of prayer

Our children are all amazing and they deserve to be peaceful, happy and proud of who they are and where they come from.  I know that it is my job to make them feel that way.

As their parent, I deserve to feel that way too.

There comes a moment in January when, if you decorate for Christmas, you can’t stand another minute of looking at Christmas Fa Fa.  A wonderful term that my summer sister got from somewhere and has used for years, it represents all that is glittery, red, green, snowflaked, cute, etc.  You get the picture, your house looked like this too.  I’m not an over the top Christmas decorator, in fact I think my home has that Christmas feel about it all year, but at that moment in January it must all come down.

For me it’s all about the packing.  Yes, the entire world laughs at my organizational skills but there is something to packing Christmas up in such a way that it’s like opening presents the next year when you start again.  Each type of ornament has a separate plastic box (oh shut up) and once all the ornaments are inside I place in some crumbled tissue paper, so they don’t move around, and close the cover.  The following year those bells that have lasted over 50 years will be as much a surprise as ever.  Jeanette’s old glass ball ornaments will bring a wonderful memory of her flooding back and I will pause to miss her as I always do.  The brass angels and the noisey bells will still scare Lina and Toto will have her nose into the birds with the real tail feathers.

This moment in January is one last chance to read all the Christmas cards again and then tear off the covers to be used for gift tags next year on those few gifts that actually get wrapped.  I don’t know about you but the gift card has taken over almost 50% of my giving.  I thank God for itunes cards for every teenager in my life and they thank me back.  Teenager’s actually thanking you without rolling their eyes, priceless.

This moment in January used to lead to celebrating my father’s birthday and then mine and then spring.  The winter has gotten a bit longer now that he is gone but I’ve found other ways to get to spring…can you say White Flower Farm catalog.

As I look back over 2010 I want to list all the things/events/moments that I’m grateful for but all I can think about is losing our Honey.  My sister’s husband passed away in October of this year and we are all still reeling from the devastating loss.  There are a year’s worth of know like I know moments in the aftermath of this death.

I received a phone call from my sister’s number but it was a police officer telling me that Ken was sick and being taken to the hospital.  Englewood I assumed, no Holy Name was closer.  I’m on my way.  The ride to the hospital was one of those know-like-you-know rides that he was already gone.

For the next week we entered into the shock, disorientation, and roller coaster of emotions that accompany any loss of this magnitude.  I could not do one thing to fix this for my sister and that just didn’t seem right.  I could sleep on her floor, I could watch her, hold her, love her, make her eat something, hand her tissues, remind her to breathe but I couldn’t fix a damn thing. Not this time.

 Ken has a legacy, a very strong and admirable legacy that I don’t think he even realized.  His wake was a traffic jam; a never ending, story-telling, laugh one minute, sob the next affair.  Everyone had a story about how Ken had helped them in some way or changed their lives or kicked their ass (with the best of intentions and always a favorable outcome).  He learned to live with intention and to make up for past regressions, to pay it forward and to help whenever he could.  To that end there is now a foundation in his name.

 Unfortunately, he never helped himself. I’m trying very hard not to harbor any resentment for him leaving my sister and all the others that relied on him.  I’m trying very hard not to curse him out for thinking he was bulletproof.  God love him, as good as he was he was a pain in the ass about taking care of himself. 

I know like I know that my sister was overwhelmed.  There was so much only she knew about Ken and there was so much more that was wonderful about him that she never knew.  In her deepest sorrow came her proudest moments.  But she was amazing, showing grace and tenderness to each person and their story even though she was in excruciating pain.  She was able to feel each emotion out loud, sobbing with no embarrassment and laughing with the same intensity.  She engaged with each person and made them feel all the better for it. I remain in awe of her.   

I know like I know that the three letters OMG when followed by what can I do, I’m praying for you, I’m here, anything you need, or just plain sorry were a more powerful prayer than any other I’ve ever experienced.  In all the disconnected coldness of technology the series of texts I received from so many were more spiritually uplifting than anything else that week.  

I know like I know that friends are instrumental in moving forward.  I watched as my sister’s friends systematically took over her phone, her living room, her social schedule, her life.  I watched as my friends systematically took over my dogs, my home, my phone, and my life too.  Sometimes it’s the most unlikely of friends that rise to these occasions.  I began taking Zumba classes in May and the girls from Zumba were relentless in their vigilance.  But it is those old friends, the ones that just seem to silently show up by your side, that make you truly believe that you can keep breathing.

I know like I know that my sister and I need to show up at my mother’s together for some other reason than something is terribly wrong.  It seems like each time we walk through the door together my mother immediately says what’s wrong.  Rightfully so, we did that when my father died and we did it when Ken died.  That’s a sure sign that something must change.  As hard as it seems right now, we will have something good to show up about. 

The measure of this year is that nothing will ever be the same again.  We will, however, find some way to make a wonderful life for ourselves.  We will grow stronger as a family adding more unrelated members as we go along.  I’ve become a Grandperson to my friend’s children; my sister has become a walking juke box for the little girl upstairs.  We are both favorite Aunts to all those who need one.  We will grow stronger as a family as we reconnect with cousins and other family members.

As for my sister and I, we are who we are, devoted, loving and inseparable through whatever is thrown at us. We will walk together through this year of firsts and look forward to all our future years.  That I know like I know.