How wonderful is it that my mother and my sister have a race every year to be the first one to call and wish me a happy birthday?  It’s a fine line they walk, trying to time it so that it is early  enough to be the winner  but not too early that they wake me up and well you know how that can go.  My sister thought she had it aced with her new found love of texting; but no it was my mother that won (by one minute) with a good old fashioned phone call.  We laughed pretty hard when I announced “you win” without even saying hello. That’s my idea of starting the day off right.

I had a day of texts, emails, cards and phone calls from friends, colleagues, dealers, and passersby.  My niece Kate, my Summer Sister, my ex husband, my ex boss, Sandi singing from Arizona, I know Sandra’s out there somewhere,  my friend Ev who was home sick but got up to call for my birthday and then go back to bed, my friend Barb bringing cards and flowers and a cookie.  The enormous bouquet from Terri and Ken and the promise of Bang Bang Shrimp at Bone Fish Grill in the near future.  The teasing from Jimmy C, the breakfast rescheduled due to the snow, and a free cup of latte from Starbucks.

You would think it couldn’t get any better but home I went to a bouquet of hydrangea and tulips on my dining room table, the dogs already walked and an invitation to dinner at the Aunt Ms house.  Salad with all my favorite ingredients, homemade pizza, that is out of this world, and pistachio cake.  A total fat ass meal as Muriel would say.  Add to that; balloons, my favorite wine and gifts and my day is beyond complete.

There are those people who don’t want to even acknowledge their birthday but I am not one of them.  It’s true I don’t want anyone to spend money on me but to bask in the love of my family and friends is warm and rejuvenating.  It keeps me young and fills me with gratitude.  

With love to you all til next year…

What is the measure of a good year?  I’m sure that if one feels optimistic at the end of a year you could say that it was a good year.  If one learned something during the course of that year you could say it was a good year.  I know like I know that I discovered more in the past year than at any other time in my life and sharing what I’ve learned seems only too appropriate.  In no particular order:

Dogs

I know like I know that it is never about the dogs if they are unruly, skittish, peeing at inappropriate times or just plain crazy.  I know that you can send the dogs out in front of you so to keep people away and you can pull them to your side to bring people back.  I know that the phase nothing for nothing is not a bad thing in the dog world and that big hellos and big goodbyes can lead to anxiety.  I know that exercise and discipline can give a dog purpose and that love can give them a chance to forgive people for what’s been done to them.  I know that waking up nose to nose with a dog starts your day better than any cup of coffee and that training a dog to walk “the loop” every morning will get you a good dose of exercise yourself. I know that a good trainer will teach you more about yourself than about the dogs and that your gratitude for both the trainer and these rescued girls is bigger than you ever could have imagined. Thank you Shawn.

www.dogsareeasy.com

Gardens

I know like I know that I can never be without a garden no matter the size.  The promise of shoots in the spring and the prospect of getting good and dirty on any given day are too good to pass up. To be without the kindness of gardeners would be a shame, as they are among the best people you will ever know.  These are people that understand that sharing is not just something you learn in kindergarten but a way of perpetuating beauty and wildlife.  Watching the birds go in and out of a garden for food or fodder for their nests is amusing and fulfilling, as if you had some part in making their lives easier and better.  Really, the reverse is true.  I know that my garden will bring me hours of enjoyment and I’m grateful that I was able to establish it as soon as I did with the help of some wonderful contributors.

www.willowrunnursery.com

My Home

I know like I know that I was meant to be on Stowe Lane because I can breathe.  No gift has ever been more appropriate than the one from my Summer Sister; a stencil for my wall that says “Breathe, you’re home. “  There isn’t one person who enters my door that doesn’t see those words and exhale.  I’ve surrounded myself with only things I love and everywhere I look I smile.  I know my home is welcoming and warm and comfortable.  It lends itself to entertaining on an intimate scale and my people come often and are willingly to kick their shoes off, eat and laugh.  They truly make themselves at home, sometimes staying over in a tiny little guest room that holds the promise of a good cup of coffee in the morning no matter how uncomfortable the pullout might be.  My home is a refuge for me and the girls. We have all found a new start in a place that is conducive to growing, learning, relaxing and sharing.

My Work

I know like I know that my work is important and appreciated.  I know like I know that I am well respected and sometimes just a bit feared.  I laugh every time I see that email that says “be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, oh shit she’s up” because there are times I will have to make a visit to someone and inevitably I get the same reaction.  I once had a boss that said I could slap you so hard you think you got a kiss.  I’m grateful for that gift, it’s served me well.  I know that I am grateful for my work, it has allowed me the freedom to live where I live, make the decisions that needed to be made, and live a simple but fulfilling life. 

I know like I know that I have work that I aspire to.  I believe in what I have to say and hope I can be of some service to those building their own legacy.

My Health

I know like I know that the mind body connection is my most valuable tool for good health.  I’ve learned to listen to my body and not fight with it any more; it knows exactly what it needs from nutrition, to exercise, to sleep and to heal.  I know it will tell me all I need to know and that I should listen damn it.  OK it’s not the easiest thing to admit you have limitations at times but limitations in one area seem to strengthen other areas like the blind having amazing hearing.   I also have learned that for every physical ailment there very well may be a non-physical cause that one should be willing to explore.  I’m grateful for my very good health and my willingness to explore healthy alternatives.

My Family

I know like I know that I can be a pain in the ass.  Sometimes judgmental in the best intended way if there is such a thing.  I know that I’m revered in an eye rolling kind of way but tolerated as that larger than life member of a somewhat conservative yet loving family.  Our family is small now and as we get older I seem to live a more seat-of-the-pants kind of life that makes everyone just a little nervous.  Make no mistake they love me they just don’t know what to do with me sometimes.  I tend to do things on my own terms, I tend to keep things to myself, and I tend to be a little overwhelming in my never ending search for the best way to live my life.  I know like I know that my family can depend on me to take care of things when needed.  I know I love them very much in my why can’t you do it my way kind of way.  I know that if ever I fall on my face they will pick me up.  I know that they have a way of looking at things that is probably better than mine but I also know I’m in a very good place and wouldn’t do well in their salt of the earth world.  I know like I know that I wouldn’t give them up for anything and if you dare to hurt them you will understand with full fury why the devil says what he does when my feet hit the floor every morning.

My Friends

I know like I know that my friends sustain me.  They get me in so many ways on so many levels. I know that my dear friend can now say the word fabulous.  No small feat for someone who’s hemorrhagic stroke nearly killed him.  I know that his daughter and I will be friends for life as we learn from each other and help each other on a near daily basis.  I know that some friends will come and go throughout your life but you will always be a phone call away for them and them for you.   I know that you can’t develop a friendship by yourself.  I know that my old friends are my dearest friends and they have made me part of their family.  I know that the measure of a good friend is just that they show up.  I know that friend and acquaintance is two different things and that acquaintances are valuable in their own way.  I know that sometimes you have to say goodbye.

Affirmation

I know like I know that it is a rare thing to have your life affirmed by someone who has not always done the right thing by you.  I know like I know that it is a delicate process to get that affirmation in a positive way without ever pointing a finger of blame.  And it’s not about just stating the obvious facts.  There is a way to honor things that have happened in your life so that what you have become is meaningful.  I was given that privilege and I did not take it lightly.   My first reaction was anger and a gut wrenching look back over the thirty years of a marriage that fell apart.  It was a drive home from Buffalo (6.5 hours) worth of sobbing that exhausted me but brought me to the conclusion that I am what I am today because of what happened to me.  There is something called the George Bailey effect where you can imagine what your life would have been if only…. Truthfully, I don’t know what my life would look like now if not for the thirty year journey.  I know like I know that I was truthful yet kind, I left nothing out, and yes I took responsibility for those things I let happen.  I acknowledge the enormous amount of work that is ahead of me while accepting an acknowledgement from him of his own responsibility. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had but somehow the most forgiving.  That does not excuse behavior but it does set me free.  I know like I know that I am free to do the work required to heal from the wounds and develop into a loving and trusting person.  Not many people are given that opportunity and I am grateful to have had it.

So there you have it, the 2009 I know like I know list.  And I know like I know that I have forgotten something but I’ve learned that you can always add it later.  I know that I am among the most grateful for this life I’ve been given and though I don’t have much, what I have is yours because this has been a truly good year.  I have learned and discovered.  I have grown and aged with some measure of grace.  I have everything I could possibly need and I remain optimistic about my future…and yours.    

There once were two women, through whatever twist of adversity, found themselves sitting hip to hip on someone’s deck stairs with a glass of wine in their hands.  You might think that no good can come of this but to the contrary, thirty odd years later, only good came of it.

We are the best of friends. I know this because we can talk for hours after not seeing each other for months or we can sit in silence for hours without any discomfort.  We garden.  We read.  We have progressed from Rhine wine in the box to Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and Santa Margarita Pinot Grigio.  It took me longer to get there and she christened me the Peter Pan of wine lovers.  We have been through divorces, hers first then mine, ectopic pregnancies, the deaths of our fathers, an overbearing father in law, dogs, her children’s heartbreaks and triumphs , pounds gained and lost.  Aspirations and do-overs. 

She is the smartest woman I know.  She is a Michelle Pfeiffer to my Bette Midler.  She is mostly confident and sometimes terrified, she has a “business” voice, that I have learned to use on occasion, that will stop you as if your own mother were speaking.  She is the consummate mother to her, now grown, children and fully expects to be the cool Gramma one day.

She has helped me through the very toughest time in my life with the simple words; don’t worry Honey I got this. I was sitting alone in my home and she was four hundred miles away but with those words I knew I would live.  Later she came and scooped me up and took me to the Cape.  It was a long weekend of doing whatever I needed.  If I needed to eat, we ate.  If I needed to cry, we cried.  If I needed to walk, we walked.  We ate good food, drank wine, and we continued to return to the Cape each year for fifteen years.  Each year a different problem for one or the other of us to vent.  Each year a new adventure or not.  Each year a renewal of our friendship as Summer Sisters as she so appropriately named us.

Among  the things that I am most grateful for in my ever changing life; my Summer Sister without whom I would never have found my confidence again, would never have believed that I would come out of all the chaos, would never have ventured to the Cape and grown to love it the way I do.

Happy Birthday Kyle

When I moved into my condo I left behind a beautiful garden.   It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I sometimes think I mourned my garden more than I did my marriage.  I worked hard in that garden in an effort to alleviate my pain and isolation.  I left behind gallons of sweat and tears, many an aching back, buried dog bones and a therapeutic wonderland. Mostly I left behind gifts from gardeners who touched my life. 

I’ve seen it over the past year and it’s trying to live up to its surrogate gardener but it misses me.  You are never alone in a garden, there is always a conversation going on between the gardener and the plants, the soil, the weather, the tools, or God.  I had just started to convert that garden over to one that I could manage as I got older and it was becoming magnificent. 

So now, I’ve spent the last year watching a shady little patch of land behind my condo.  I watched the amount of sun, the way the sprinklers hit, the way the landscapers treated this backyard and the number of dogs that found the area “attractive”.  Finally in late September I was ready to plant.

I don’t have a lot of discretionary income so I would once again have to rely on the kindness of gardeners if I was going to begin again.  What a wonderful predicament to find yourself in.  There are no kinder people than gardeners. 

I began my venture at Willow Run.  This nursery was a second home to me not long ago but I’d been gone a year and was actually anxious about returning.  September is a gardener’s delight if you love perennials.  The plants are all half price and the clearance corner is stocked with some of the most waiflike orphans with huge potential you’ll ever see. 

I had $100.00 to spend and an L shaped area 6’ by 12’ to accommodate.  I pulled shrubs and perennials into the walkways and arranged my garden near the nursery’s parking lot.  I put plants back, I pulled more plants in, I put plants back…well you get the picture.  All the while I was adding and subtracting in my head the amount I was spending.  One of the owners watched me work but didn’t say anything until I was considering a Smoke Bush and tears came to my eyes.  He walked up beside me and just waited.  Finally I showed him my potential garden near his parking lot and said, I’ve got  $100.00 and a deeply shaded patch of land about 6’ x 12’ am I good with that?  He put his arm around me and confirmed I would be fine.  My bill came to $96.00.

My friend Muriel met me at my car when I arrived home and helped me lug my treasures to the back of the condo.  She later told me that as soon as she saw the dirt on my shirt she knew every one of those plants would be in that day.  She was right.  I dug and removed rocks, and dug some more.  I broke a shovel and nearly broke a second one.  I mulched and amended soil with bags of “good stuff” I had squirreled away in my basement storage area.  I was sweating and filthy and happy about all of it.

It had begun.  The kindness continued on my vacation to the Cape.  My dear friend Trudi sent me home with Gay Feather and Black Eyed Susie.  Then to my old garden and Mickey’s assurance that these plants were mine for the taking.  I took some of Florence’s Hosta, Jeanette’s Chameleon, Harumi’s Lady’s Mantle, Roger’s mother’s sedum.  Bits and pieces that had built my original garden would come home to a new garden, a new start.

It is now mid November and I’ve put the garden to bed.  Historically putting the garden to bed has made me very sad because I’d have no outlet for my misery.  Now putting the garden to bed is just a transition to a winter of nights by the fire, slow cooking and reading books I couldn’t get to.   More importantly, I once again have the promise of an upcoming spring filled with shoots, digging, sharing and hope.   All for $96.00 and the kindness of gardeners.

I thought that I might enter Real Simple Magazine’s essay contest entitled “When did you know you were a grown up?”  I’m sure some people are born old and that I am one of them.  They are the transcended soul of someone who has seen much and was taken too soon.  But “grown up”? That is a conceptual thing that can elude them.

On September 6^th, 1991 I found myself on the verge of one of those nights that I would remember for the rest of my life.  My husband of nine years was out with a friend, that I didn’t particularly care for, and I was starting to worry.  He hadn’t been himself for quite some time and I naturally blamed it on this new person in our lives. For two years I had been watching changes in him that made him seem eerily like his father. 

His father was a domineering man, manipulative and troubled.  We all lived in fear of his outbursts and shifts in temperament.  All of the six boys had grown up in an abusive environment that was made more volatile by the sickness and ultimate passing of one of them.  Their mother was a wonderful woman who had long ago been convinced by him of her unworthiness.  I feared I was becoming her, I feared he was right about me and I feared my husband was becoming him.

I was home alone with our dog, Toby, and even he was acting strangely.  Toby was a Doberman we adopted from a litter that was far too big for the mother to handle.  He was the runt of that litter and weighed in at a mere three pounds so he was losing the fight for a place next to mom.  I have pictures of him standing next to my wallet and the wallet was slightly bigger. 

That dog and I went everywhere together.  He was my first dog and the bond was immediate and strong.  I fed him Nutrical off the end of my finger to get some weight on him and he grew up to be strong and healthy.   But on this night he was not himself.  He was lethargic and foggy.  He laid at my feet for what seemed like hours. 

Then he took himself outside in the far corner of our yard.  I had heard that dogs will go off to die when they are ready.  I had heard that they know how to die far better than humans.  I had heard and I panicked that my time with this dog was running short.

Our house was meant to have dogs as evidenced by the dog doors.  One was built into our back door the other was built into one of the screens of our porch.  On this particular night it became clear that this would have to be changed.  Once Toby went to the back of the yard I had to exit the screen porch and go through our gate to get to him.  This would have been fine but carrying back a 90lb Doberman through all these doors wasn’t easy.

I carried him in but, again, he tried to go back out. I made him sip water. I stroked his head, his back, his paws, I begged him not to die.  I left his side for one minute and he went back out into that yard.  That damn dog door.  I carried him back again through the many doors.

11pm, Midnight, 1am. Lying next to him on the bed listening to his shallow breathing, crying.  2am, crying, crying, crying. I was alone, alone, alone.  2:30am.

My husband finally came home, seeming wild eyed. His initial reaction was to yell at me for being up. The fighting that ensued was ludicrous, my dog was dying, he couldn’t breathe, what the hell do I care where you’ve been.  You weren’t here, you were somewhere else. 

His humanity did surface through his haze and he became manic about getting the earliest appointment at the vet; calling at an ungodly hour and leaving a message mixed with desperation and anger and regret and sorrow.  I would later see many nights with all those emotions mixed together as a result of what I would come to find out was his addiction to cocaine. 

We got the earliest appointment and wrapped our little Doby in a blanket that had been mine as a child.  I thought it would wrap him in love, I thought it would save him.  We carried the dog to the car together.  Looking over the top of him, I’m sure I don’t know how I carried him in during the night alone.  You gather strength when you have to.

Speeding to the vet, we were stopped by the police. My husband’s first words as he wheeled around to me were, act sick. I would hear that again in similar situations and I would comply.  I don’t know why, it just seemed easier I guess.

Getting to the vet in silence was a Godsend. They met us at the car, they took our observations and then they tried to pull the blanket out of the car to see if they could get a reaction from Toby.  He laid down right there in the parking lot. I thought my husband would jump out of his skin at the vets.

We got him into the examining room.  They didn’t want to lift him onto the table yet.  I suppose they thought it best to do that after we left.  And we did leave.  We left that dog in the corner of the exam room on that blanket.  Alone.

We fought all the way home; I would have preferred the usual silence. The fighting, the accusations, what did I do to the dog, where were you, no more partying with your friends. 

The update call, there’s a tumor in his liver.  The next call…It never occurred to me that that dog would die. I let that boy die alone.  I never said goodbye.  I was alone now; I knew for sure this would affect the rest of my life and that forgiving myself was out of the question.

I became a grown up on Sept 7^th, 1991 when the love of my life died alone.  I became a grown up on Sept 7^th, 1991 when I knew I would be alone for a very long time. I became a grown up when I came to the realizations that my husband was not himself and that he was in terrible trouble.  I didn’t know then that he had become addicted to cocaine and that his family would be no support, and I had much to do on my own to try and save a marriage.

It lasted another 15 years.  I became a grown up at 35 years old.  I found peace at 52 years old when I left and took my first breath in over eighteen years. I have still not forgiven myself for letting Toby die alone, but I know he was in good hands and that the people at the veterinary hospital were kind and compassionate.  I know I have never let another dog die alone. I know that I am what I am today for the hardships I endured and I am grateful for that. 

Indeed some people are born old, and they continue the hardships of the soul that preceded them; the one that was taken too soon.  But I also know that they can be the ones to experience the joys that those other souls never got to enjoy for their early departure.  I am blessed to be where I am now, I know that everything happens for a reason and full circle moments do come to you when they should. 

September 7^th has a different meaning now.  While I honor the spirit of that wonderful Doby, rather than mourning his death, I can celebrate a life.  I am blessed to be in the company of very good people one of which was born on September 7^th.  She is a piece of good fortune for which I can never fully repay the universe.  Never mind the contest, Happy Birthday Muriel