Best of Summer ~ The Adventures of Toti Nonna

Posted on August 9, 2015 by Sandi LoConti

OK, where was I before Muriel so graciously brokered a truce between me and my laptop? Saved it from becoming a speed bump, backed it up in three different places and got me to pull myself together. I was about to fill you in on Toti Nonna’s big adventure to the Cape.

Whenever there is a loss of someone close you generally find yourself in a year of firsts. Life without Lina is no different because she is a dog. I was sure there was no way to make it up to the Cape in June but something made me ask a friend if he knew of anybody renting a house near him. Never heard from him but heard from his “anybody”. You’ve heard me talk about all the dear old friends I’ve met for the first time; well Wanda and I talked for quite some time right from the start. What a delight! I can hear you say “of course she is” you know…just sayin. And so with happenstance meeting oh-what- the-hell Toti Nonna and I were off to the Cape. In July… For a week… Did I mention in July?… the summer. This is where oh-what-the-hell meets jumping for joy!Although we’ve been coming to the Cape for the last twenty years, this is a new home rental for us. This is someone’s home and we are surrounded by the personality of the owners. Again, did I mention delightful? Toti made herself right at home, thankfully after I made the bed, and we unpacked and relaxed. Wanda and her husband Rick had been clamming the day before so there on ice, in the refrigerator, waiting for us, were some of those clams. There was a lovely card, and dog treats and generosity that was totally unnecessary but so incredibly heartwarming. Did I mention it was as if we were old friends being welcomed home?

Toti loves the car so I knew that wouldn’t be an issue for her but in any other situation she was most comfortable with Lina by her side, or should I say attached to her hip? So what would her new comfort zone be? What comfort zone, it’s all new, fake it til you make it little girl, it’s what we do. So on our first day…Come on lets go- it’s cloudy, the beach is out, let’s go to Ptown. And go we did, she walked Commercial Street like she’d been going there for years, drank out of every water bowl she saw, tried to sneak into every air conditioned store and welcomed every ooo and ahhh she got from the masses. And I do mean masses, everyone had the same it’s cloudy let’s go to Ptown thought…

Summer, eeek, on the Cape, there are hundreds of people around and it was an unusually hot and humid week. I mean it was around 85 degrees where usually you’re around 75-80. Mind you I am not a summer person to begin with so when it turned out to be “Wicked Hot” (cue the accent) I was remembering life as a kid in an unairconditioned house. God bless ReRe she propped a big old box fan on the kitchen table, practiced light control during the day and cranked that sucker up at night so a cool breeze would eventually find you during the wee hours. I won’t say it was as bad as all that but Toti and I wound up doing exactly the same thing and it saved the day, or should I say the night. Kind of, remember when you didn’t like to cuddle up to momma Toti? Did you have to pick the hottest day on the cape in a full size bed to change your mind? Just sayin…

After walking every morning, it’s all about the fan. After going to the beach and showering in the outdoor shower, it’s all about the fan. After almost everything, it’s all about the fan. Thankfully the bright, airy screened in porch was comfortable, cross ventilated and yes…all about the fan.

It’s common practice on the Cape to bring your dog with you practically wherever you go. So when my good friend Terry and I went out to eat, along came Toti Nonna. This was new. Really new. Like never been done before. The Wee Packet Restaurant welcomed her with her own water bowl and although she was a bit apprehensive, she soon settled in under the table next to her beloved Uncle Terry. This was big!

It was a shame to head home but back in the car we went. Are we there yet?

This trip was transformative on so many levels, for me, for Toti, for me…life without Lina is evolving. I sometimes feel guilty about the ease of it. Life with Lina could be stressful as she lived an entire lifetime with anxiety. Toti’s job is done, she can exhale, and she can enjoy herself now.

We arrive home and let Wanda know the Jersey Girls arrived safely. Toti settles into her familiar space and I head to the mailbox. As if this trip didn’t have enough to be thankful for I’m greeted by an envelope addressed to Ordinary Legacy. You know how I love to get mail!!! Elizabeth from St. Ignace, MI you can’t begin to know the joy your words brought me. Thank you for your support, know that I am incredibly grateful that you took the time to share them.

Another new old friend.

Suffice to say…

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Sandi LoConti

This was a day filled with tradition and family; the kind of family that is fashioned a bit from friendship and a bit from inheritance. We gathered to share a meal that was part Easter and part Spring. We ate the traditional foods in a different way, we picked. We put it all on the table and just sat around and shared.

We shared food and stories and laughs and concerns and wine and sweets. We had the windows open for a time and the air smelled of fresh soil and renewal. The music was jazzy and the exhale was immediate. Just like Sping, love was in the air.

They say that Spring is a time for new beginnings but those new beginnings don’t come without old endings. We lost our much-loved Rusty this week leaving Mocha to figure out life without him. Our hearts are broken but if my dear Toti Nonna can begin to show the love again I am certain that little Mocha will too.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

Expectation

Posted on January 18, 2015 by Sandi LoConti

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…or NOT. Leave it to me to second guess the golden rule, sorry Luke. But what if what you would want doesn’t even come close to what another would want? How golden is a rule that puts everyone in that awkward position? How can a person really “be that person” (legacy lesson number one) without going down the road to hell, you know the one paved with good intentions.

Shakespeare wrote that expectations are the root of all heartache, if that’s so why not live outside of expectations? I ran up against a few situations this week and last that expectations seemed to get the better of me and it gave me pause.

I linked a blog post of mine on Anne Lamott’s Facebook page in genuine camaraderie with a phrase she turned in one of her posts. She mentioned she was “taking the sacrament of putter”. Brilliant! My “Art of Puttering” was in keeping with her sentiment. My post received over a thousand hits to my blog…let me say that again, my post received over a thousand hits. It was a holy shit moment bigger than anything I had yet to see. I was grateful, I was elated, and I was happy, beyond joyful. You can imagine.

So what did I do? I considered, no I actually tried the same thing on other blogs expecting to see another fabulous boost to my blog stats. See how that word snuck in there? I didn’t post with a good intention, I didn’t for one minute check my motivation. Payoff, zero. Ok maybe not zero but it was kinda that road to hell thing.

Last week when I was researching my meditation piece I ran up against this:

May all this remain undefiled

By the stains of the eight mundane concerns;

And may I, recognizing all things as illusion,

Devoid of clinging, be released from bondage.

This is the teaching of the Dalai Lama. The eight mundane concerns are attitudes that tend to dominate our lives generally. They are: becoming elated when someone praises you, becoming depressed when someone insults or belittles you, feeling happy when you experience success, being depressed when you experience failure, being joyful when you acquire wealth, feeling dispirited when you become poor, being pleased when you have fame, and feeling depressed when you lack recognition.

In no way am I “that person” that can remain undefiled by the stains of the eight mundane concerns. I could meditate until the cows come home and never begin to get close to releasing at least three of those mundane concerns from my grasp. However, it seems it all comes down to checking your motivation.

My Lina lost her fight with cancer this week, or I should say I helped her end her fight with cancer this week. This was a case of do unto others as you would have them do unto you, kinda. The decision to have the emergency surgery was mine back in December, the decision to begin chemo was mine. My motivation was to give her as much time with us as we could without any sacrifice of quality of life. The expectation was that she could beat the average life expectancy of this very invasive cancer. My expectation, not hers, which would give us all time to learn to live in the moment and prepare Toto (and me) for life without her. It’s what I would want for myself but I went right down that damn road…again. We had a month and a week of quality, joyous live in the tail wagging happy dance moments until she decided her work was done. I let go the expectations and let her go with no regrets. I learned that to do unto others as you would have them do unto you means actually listening to them and acting on what it is they want. That the harder thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. To try and stay off that damn road lined with good intention by adapting the golden rule without expectation and living the lessons Lina taught.

And so I’ve also decided that people will find my little blog if I genuinely do my work, believe in my message and live my life the way I want my story told. When I honestly believe that sharing what I have to say on someone else’s like-minded post is appropriate and purely motivated I will do so. When I’m tempted to work the social media game I won’t. I believe that what I have to say is important and I will find a proper way to say it without expectation of increased site stats and Facebook likes. If nothing else I will learn to check my motivation.

I Know Like I Know 2014

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Sandi LoConti

“That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.” ― Doris Lessing

It should no longer surprise me how fast a year goes by, it’s the toilet paper roll philosophy of aging…just sayin. So what has been learned in this nanosecond of a year? So much I hardly know where to begin.

My life revolves around food, shocking I know, as evidenced in some wonderful time spent around the table with dear friends. The way I can’t operate without mise en place or the farmer’s market or people around my table. That anyone around my table is family and that my family has grown exponentially.

I’ve learned that there is a scheme of things, that “in here life is beautiful”, that I love meeting old friends for the first time, that providing value is more important than another’s view of success, that a bit of nostalgia is perfect but getting stuck in the past will never do you any good and that the Cape will be there in some form or another going forward.

I’ve learned how to take a sick day and that you can’t escape an Italian mother’s curse. Somehow I’ve become that woman downstairs that a five year old had to apologize to after pitching such a bad fit down the stairs that shit fell off my walls. Yeah, this has been an education.

I’ve learned that air texting, idiot drivers and “that guy” haven’t moved off the, “you are really annoying” list, that I suck at 30 day challenges and to give in to the full moon. I’m a world class putterer and that the art of creative stretchery is within everyone’s reach. Thank you Houston for welcoming a Yankee with an accent and an itch.

When Pope Francis recently sought to comfort a distraught boy whose dog had died, the pontiff took the sort of pastoral approach he is famous for — telling the youngster not to worry, that he would one day see his pet in heaven.

“Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures,” Francis said reassuringly. I’m trusting this wisdom as we begin Lina’s chemo tomorrow in the hopes that we don’t need to be reassured for quite some time. That we will be providing a longer life with good quality is my deepest hope for this year and next.

“Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, and to learn what we are capable of.” ― Jason Mraz

I believe after writing this tiny little blog for the last five years that a community has been born. A wonderful group of ordinary people who believe in legacy, in life lived with a story to be told and a willingness to share bits of themselves. For each of you and for my own lessons learned I am grateful. I hope that you’ll take the time to go back and read what you might have missed and invite others to join our community.

See you in 2015.

On the Verge…The Art of Emotional Pragmatism

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Sandi LoConti

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete….Louise Hay

This is one of the many affirmations I say each day, but it became hard to believe this week. Somehow it all comes down to trust, even when the biopsy you so hoped would be negative turned out to be positive for cancer. That little clown of a girl has cancer, a really nasty kind that could leave her gone from us more quickly then we hoped. Is there any way to reconcile that in your head; is there any way to get through that? I believe that everything is either a blessing or a lesson. Which is this?

The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death or death of someone. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit them all and believe it or not I arrived at acceptance quickly with the help of some very dear people.

In a conversation with our superhero vet, Dr. Lane, several things became clear. Chemo for this cancer is five rounds three weeks apart and is not only covered by insurance but isn’t the violent reactive chemo seen so often in humans. A day at the vet (we’ve decided to start calling it the spa) home that evening and a good sleep through the night and probably the next day. She won’t be herself certainly but she won’t be devastatingly ill either. That would give me time with her sister; time to begin re-socializing her to new places and new people, possibly even new dogs.

The average extension of her life with chemo, I’m going to repeat on average, is seven months. I damn near fainted at that very tiny amount of time but defying average requires that cancer hasn’t spread and no cells were found in her liver (the first place it usually shows up). Her lungs are clear, her heart is strong and her systems are good i.e. she’s got perfect poop…even in recovery after surgery. So my little Lina has a very good chance of beating the odds in terms of time with us. Significant in this equation is the fact that she and Toto will be eight years old in February and the normal average (there’s that word again) lifespan for these dogs is about nine or ten.

So these are the facts, kinda, but what about quality of life? It’s all about Q of L baby as Cookie used to say. The chances are that she will be the same as she is today until she’s not and she will tell you, I know like I know like I know. So for instance, last Monday when she came home there was no way to get a pill in her. These are pain pills child you’re going to be miserable without them. And antibiotics, I refuse to watch a dog die of sepsis…do you hear me? She was having none of it, drooling, shaking her head doing that clucking sound trying to get the taste out of her mouth…jeez. But I won, cause I’m the mother that’s why. One peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a multigrain sandwich round given at rapid fire every other bite going to Toto then the one with the pill to Lina then back to Toto and continued bites without a pill. Oh yes I won, make no mistake about it but the point is she had joy in eating the sandwich, comes running for it now. When she eats the food goes all over, even into the water bowl, so she scours the place for the remnants and actually bobs for the nuggets in the water bowl. She’s truly a clown to be kept around as long as we can and as long as she can.

This all sounds very matter of fact but I can assure you it was an emotional train wreck. The not knowing and then finding out while I’m on a dealer visit. The kindness and beautifully discreet way these colleagues left the room while I took the call was only one of the many ways I was truly blessed. This led to a very interesting Ordinary Legacy moment about dogs living in the moment and not being burdened with the knowledge that they will someday die. We should do the same, go drive that car you always wanted to, visit that country, learn to knit, stay in the moment and not worry about the terror management of dying someday.

The texts and phone calls that simply said, here if you need me or just checking in or just wanted to hear your voice or how’s you were timely and passionate. I was and am still surrounded by caring people who know exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. Don’t get me wrong there are those people who inevitably will want to tell you their story about the time their dog…..I stayed with them in the moment knowing that they weren’t yet healed but in the back of my mind I’m screaming shut the hell up. Therein lays one of the best lessons about recognizing who can be there with you and who can’t and deciding what you want to do with those people.

We’ve begun making our Christmas cookies as a way of infusing some normal around here, and is there anything better for the spirit than the smell of anise cookies filling the house? I can assure you there really isn’t…

And so we’ve prepared to accept our fate and we have a plan. We will begin chemo sometime after Christmas and keep a watchful eye on the Q of L baby. We will live in those wonderful dog moments and begin to transition Toto (and me) into the inevitable life without Lina. We will make it about play and pictures and life not about death. Yes that is the lesson and the blessing.

Ordinary Legacy

Preserving moments in time through thoughtful words and images.

Category Archives: Ordinary Pet Legacies

Best of Summer ~ The Adventures of Toti Nonna

Suffice to say…

Expectation

I Know Like I Know 2014

On the Verge…The Art of Emotional Pragmatism

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