Category Archives: Pause Points

Ordinary legacy moments in time.

If Wishes Were Horses Beggars Would Ride

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Old City Philly 2014 (37)

In the week of resolutions and calls to action and life changing scenarios this Scottish proverb, originating in the 16th century, suggests that it is useless to wish and that better results will be achieved through action.  So how are your resolutions going…?  Since this has also been a week of lists let’s look at the top resolutions of those living life and the top regrets for those who are close to the end:

The top ten wishes for this year:              Top ten regrets of the dying:

1 Lose Weight                                          1 never pursued my dreams and aspirations

2 Getting Organized                                 2 worked too much/neglected my family

3 Spend Less, Save More                       3 should have made more time for my friends

4 Enjoy Life to the Fullest                         4 should have said I love you more.

5 Getting Fit and Healthy                          5 should have spoken my mind

6 Learn Something Exciting                     6 should have resolved my problems.

7 Quit Smoking                                        7 wish I had children

8 Help Others in Their Dreams                8 should have saved more money.

9 Fall in Love                                           9 not having the courage to live truthfully

10 Spend More Time with Family          10 I didn’t choose happiness

Interesting no?  I hate to be the one to remind you that at some point your legacy will take up where your life left off but the truth is, well the truth.  If you only made one resolution this year why not just resolve to live your life the way you want your story told.  Why not?

I’m not a big fan of anything that contains the words coulda, shoulda, or woulda so the regret list is certainly grating my spine…  Get rid of those words while there’s still time to change the road you’re on.  Don’t know if you’ll wind up with your stairway to heaven (jury’s still out on that) but you will relieve yourself of an awful lot of angst.

Is there a correlation between lists?  Certainly losing weight, getting fit and quitting smoking may keep you from getting to the thoughts on the right too early but check your motivation too.  If this is about health then you’re on track to solving what may be a huge life problem.  If it’s about trying to live up to the ridiculous standards that only makes money for the diet/beauty business stop it right now. Remember who you are, practice some self-kindness and choose to be happy where you are now.  I think you’ll see that most of the time that is just the impetus for the rest to follow.

Getting organized and spending less more often than not comes down to “stuff” .  Does your stuff define you?  Are you in constant pursuit of stuff?  Do you need to work harder and longer and spend less time with your family and friends because of stuff?  Then you may be able to kill several birds with one stone.  If you want a practical way to rejoin your life you may want to check out Becoming Minimalist.  Joshua Becker has plenty of first-hand information to help and no you don’t have to give up everything to be a minimalist, you can define your own parameters based on which of the things in the two lists above might be most important to you…just sayin.

I’m pretty sure that enjoying life to the fullest, learning something exciting or even just something new to you, and spending more time with your family will produce the kind of stories that will begin to make up a wonderful legacy.  I know like I know that helping anyone with their dreams, or their aspirations or redecorating their home or teaching them to cook or any service to anyone with good intention will rocket you into the legacy hall of fame.

I hope that you will embrace living your truth, if you don’t know your truth make that your life’s work. It will elevate the need for any forward or backward looking list and provide just the exhale you a really looking for.

If wishes were horses then beggars would ride,

If turnips were swords I’d have one by my side.

If ‘ifs’ and ‘ands’ were pots and pans

There would be no need for tinker’s hands!

The one exception to the wishes dilemma is wishing good for someone else.  With that I wish you hope, peace, ordinary moments in time and plenty of food for thought toward an extraordinary legacy through an ordinary life well lived.

I Know Like I Know 2014

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heron6

“That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.”  ― Doris Lessing

It should no longer surprise me how fast a year goes by, it’s the toilet paper roll philosophy of aging…just sayin.  So what has been learned in this nanosecond of a year? So much I hardly know where to begin.

My life revolves around food, shocking I know, as evidenced in some wonderful time spent around the table with dear friends.  The way I can’t operate without mise en place or the farmer’s market or people around my table. That anyone around my table is family and that my family has grown exponentially.

Thanksgiving 2014 (11)

I’ve learned that there is a scheme of things, that “in here life is beautiful”, that I love meeting old friends for the first time, that providing value is more important than another’s view of success, that a bit of nostalgia is perfect but getting stuck in the past will never do you any good and that the Cape will be there in some form or another going forward.

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I’ve learned how to take a sick day and that you can’t escape an Italian mother’s curse.  Somehow I’ve become that woman downstairs that a five year old had to apologize to after pitching such a bad fit down the stairs that shit fell off my walls. Yeah, this has been an education.

I’ve learned that air texting, idiot drivers and “that guy” haven’t moved off the, “you are really annoying” list, that I suck at 30 day challenges and to give in to the full moon.  I’m a world class putterer and that the art of creative stretchery is within everyone’s reach.  Thank you Houston for welcoming a Yankee with an accent and an itch.

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When Pope Francis recently sought to comfort a distraught boy whose dog had died, the pontiff took the sort of pastoral approach he is famous for — telling the youngster not to worry, that he would one day see his pet in heaven.

“Paradise is open to all of God’s creatures,” Francis said reassuringly.  I’m trusting this wisdom as we begin Lina’s chemo tomorrow in the hopes that we don’t need to be reassured for quite some time. That we will be providing a longer life with good quality is my deepest hope for this year and next.

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“Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, and to learn what we are capable of.” ― Jason Mraz

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I believe after writing this tiny little blog for the last five years that a community has been born.  A wonderful group of ordinary people who believe in legacy, in life lived with a story to be told and a willingness to share bits of themselves. For each of you and for my own lessons learned I am grateful.  I hope that you’ll take the time to go back and read what you might have missed and invite others to join our community.

See you in 2015.

Welcome Winter, Winter Solstice

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Winter (1)

Today marks the beginning of Winter, dreaded by many but embraced by some, like me.  There is something about the long nights and the quiet and the way the sun looks through the bare trees that I love.  I love burrowing into my home, I might have mentioned that.  I particularly love the solstice when it falls on a weekend.

Today is that day between the holidays when people are bustling to get things done or share the things they’ve already done.  It’s anticipatory and celebratory and just a bit arduous.  So today I put the fruit cake in the oven knowing full well that I’ve got over an hour to myself.  It’s an overcast day but not too cold, just bracing enough for a brisk walk…with a camera.

There is something about the sky in winter that I love, silhouetted with a back drop of sun…sometimes for just a minute.  I’m not opposed to the dark, as a matter of fact I’m pretty sure that everyplace I’ve ever lived could be considered an “evening” home.  Evening homes tend to be dark and lend themselves to wonderful lighting with lamps and candles and softness.  Clark Strand wrote a wonderful piece about the solstice and the dark in Friday’s New York Times that I found very interesting.   “Tomorrow is the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. But few of us will turn off the lights long enough to notice. There’s no getting away from the light.”  Interesting take on why we need the winter solstice

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So my fruit cakes are done, oh stop rolling your eyes there’s bourbon involved, the cookies are also done and packaged and ready for wrapping.  I am going to pour a glass of red and light a fire.  I’m also going to do a bit of a fire releasing ceremony, writing down those things that I want to release, for my own damn good, and throwing them into the flames.  A pretty good start to watch all those negative thoughts go up in smoke.

If you’re interested in the winter solstice everything you should know blah blah, look here.

Since I won’t be back in touch until after Christmas I leave you this:

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Reflections On a Scottish Christmas by Johnny Cunningham

The dark of winter wraps around us tight.

The lamps are fired, and flickering light beats time to the fiddle as notes float softly down, like the years’ first snow.

While outside the window a blast of late December wind whistles harmony to the drone of the pipes.

We push the old year back against the wall so we can dance a jig for Christmas and welcome in the new

On the Verge…The Art of Emotional Pragmatism

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Through It (1)

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete….Louise Hay

This is one of the many affirmations I say each day, but it became hard to believe this week.  Somehow it all comes down to trust, even when the biopsy you so hoped would be negative turned out to be positive for cancer.  That little clown of a girl has cancer, a really nasty kind that could leave her gone from us more quickly then we hoped.  Is there any way to reconcile that in your head; is there any way to get through that?  I believe that everything is either a blessing or a lesson.  Which is this?

The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death or death of someone. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I’m pretty sure I’ve hit them all and believe it or not I arrived at acceptance quickly with the help of some very dear people.

In a conversation with our superhero vet, Dr. Lane, several things became clear.  Chemo for this cancer is five rounds three weeks apart and is not only covered by insurance but isn’t the violent reactive chemo seen so often in humans.  A day at the vet (we’ve decided to start calling it the spa) home that evening and a good sleep through the night and probably the next day.  She won’t be herself certainly but she won’t be devastatingly ill either.  That would give me time with her sister; time to begin re-socializing her to new places and new people, possibly even new dogs.

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The average extension of her life with chemo, I’m going to repeat on average, is seven months.  I damn near fainted at that very tiny amount of time but defying average requires that cancer hasn’t spread and no cells were found in her liver (the first place it usually shows up).  Her lungs are clear, her heart is strong and her systems are good i.e. she’s got perfect poop…even in recovery after surgery.  So my little Lina has a very good chance of beating the odds in terms of time with us.  Significant in this equation is the fact that she and Toto will be eight years old in February and the normal average (there’s that word again) lifespan for these dogs is about nine or ten.

So these are the facts, kinda, but what about quality of life?  It’s all about Q of L baby as Cookie used to say.  The chances are that she will be the same as she is today until she’s not and she will tell you, I know like I know like I know.  So for instance, last Monday when she came home there was no way to get a pill in her.  These are pain pills child you’re going to be miserable without them.  And antibiotics, I refuse to watch a dog die of sepsis…do you hear me?  She was having none of it, drooling, shaking her head doing that clucking sound trying to get the taste out of her mouth…jeez.  But I won, cause I’m the mother that’s why.  One peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a multigrain sandwich round given at rapid fire every other bite going to Toto then the one with the pill to Lina then back to Toto and continued bites without a pill.  Oh yes I won, make no mistake about it but the point is she had joy in eating the sandwich, comes running for it now.   When she eats the food goes all over, even into the water bowl, so she scours the place for the remnants and actually bobs for the nuggets in the water bowl.  She’s truly a clown to be kept around as long as we can and as long as she can.

This all sounds very matter of fact but I can assure you it was an emotional train wreck.  The not knowing and then finding out while I’m on a dealer visit.  The kindness and beautifully discreet way these colleagues left the room while I took the call was only one of the many ways I was truly blessed.  This led to a very interesting Ordinary Legacy moment about dogs living in the moment and not being burdened with the knowledge that they will someday die.  We should do the same, go drive that car you always wanted to, visit that country, learn to knit, stay in the moment and not worry about the terror management of dying someday.

The texts and phone calls that simply said, here if you need me or just checking in or just wanted to hear your voice or how’s you were timely and passionate.  I was and am still surrounded by caring people who know exactly what to say and exactly when to say it.  Don’t get me wrong there are those people who inevitably will want to tell you their story about the time their dog…..I stayed with them in the moment knowing that they weren’t yet healed but in the back of my mind I’m screaming shut the hell up.  Therein lays one of the best lessons about recognizing who can be there with you and who can’t and deciding what you want to do with those people.

We’ve begun making our Christmas cookies as a way of infusing some normal around here, and is there anything better for the spirit than the smell of anise cookies filling the house?  I can assure you there really isn’t…

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And so we’ve prepared to accept our fate and we have a plan.  We will begin chemo sometime after Christmas and keep a watchful eye on the Q of L baby.  We will live in those wonderful dog moments and begin to transition Toto (and me) into the inevitable life without Lina.  We will make it about play and pictures and life not about death.  Yes that is the lesson and the blessing.