Category Archives: Pause Points

Ordinary legacy moments in time.

Busy Kitchen on Stowe Lane

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This has been a banner week of cooking on Stowe Lane.  After a wonderful pre-birthday celebration with my family last Sunday the weather turned even more frigid, icy and just plain I am winter and you’re not the boss of me…you’ll take what I dish out (no pun intended) and suffer through until Spring.

Plans of going out to dinner with the Aunt M’s was not going to happen, which I was a bit relieved about because they already spent way too much on gifts…don’t ask how I know, I just know.  I don’t  haul myself about in crappy weather anymore, I’ve got a laptop and a cell phone I can work anywhere, so I looked in the freezer and pulled out a pork tenderloin, mixed mushrooms, green beans, and hit the pantry for some polenta and stock.  You’ll come by me for dinner, famous last words.  If I planned on having a tombstone those words might just do.  It’s such a joy when they burst through the door ready to eat.  We laughed and ate and laughed some more and they only need go out for a minute to get home.  The perfect birthday.

I am a fan of Judith Jones who published a wonderful book called, “The Pleasures of Cooking for One” that I read over and over.  Yes I’m one of those people who can stay up to read a cookbook like a novel till the glasses fall to the end of my nose and I’m asleep.  It’s a treasure, in it she states, “Cooking for yourself is particularly creative because you are inspired by what’s in your fridge or freezer or garden or nearby market.  You don’t have to follow a recipe slavishly; planning how to make three quite different dishes from, say tenderloin of pork…..” So before you ask why I had pork tenderloin in my freezer, it was perfectly legit.   As were the individually portioned baby lamb chops that were destined for later in the week. Just sayin.

Dinner with my friends David and Jan is always amazing, this time at their home.  We commence the revelry as soon as one or the other of us enters the door.  Jan is not the cook with abandon kind of girl that I am, strict with the recipe and planner of menus, she has confessed that she never cooks without a recipe.  And of course, her meals are always delish!  It’s the added ingredients of love and laughter that round out the flavors.

Now for those baby lamb chops, baked potato, spinach soufflé with frizzled onions and a beautiful cabernet.  The therapeutic value of going through the seasoning, the grilling (making sure the fan is on high and the kitchen candle is lit or the fire department might be joining me) coating the potato with olive oil and salting, the soufflé was a cheat (thank you Stouffer’s) but the garnishes were all lovingly crafted by me, for me.  A meal like that must be eaten at the table complete with cloth napkin.  Do not keep rolling your eyes…bits of all these meals would turn themselves miraculously into something else during the week.

Best and busiest of the days was cooking with my friend Louise.  We have been trying to do this for years.  She lives in the Midwest and travels east with some frequency but the timing has never been right until this weekend.   I put a pot of sauce on Saturday morning and the smell was heavenly, it’s been awhile since I pulled out Gramma’s sauce pot.  It’s a true antique with all the bangs and brown spots to prove it.  Louise did confess to some sauce pot envy.  Frankly, I can’t imagine who’s going to make the sauce when I’m gone so she might just wind up with it.  I made the pasta dough and when she arrived we got to work on the ravioli, she made the filling while I ran the dough through the pasta machine.  Once it was thin thin thin, she began to fill and cut the ravioli while I pulled out Aunt Millie’s pot to start the water boiling (yes more vintage pot envy).  My kitchen is small and I can do a pretty good dance when I’m in there alone but I have to say we had just as good a choreography going with code words like scoot left, behind you, scoot right.  Somehow it worked and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  Our friend Evi and her family joined us for dinner and we sat around the table eating, laughing, drinking and telling stories for hours.  Truly this was my idea of a perfect evening.

At the end of the night when everyone had gone and the dishes were done I processed the pictures I took and posted them on Facebook.  One of my friends summed it up perfectly:

Great chronological pics of the life and love of a ravioli.  (there is something very satisfying about the final pot being stacked).  Molto soddisfacente signorita Loconti.

Indeed there was much satisfaction in this night of cooking and laughing with friends.  I know like I know I could do it again and again and again.

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No one who cooks, cooks alone.  Even at her most solitary, a cook in the kitchen is surrounded by generations of cooks past, the advice and menus of cooks present, the wisdom of cookbook writers.   Laurie Colwin

 

This is Grace

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In life, as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet…Alice Abrams

I believe him, she said.  He is speaking like someone with an experience. Like he is missing family and simply wants to come home.  This is grace.  From a mother who let her son go and live with his father all the while wrestling with the decision.  This is grace. To let a son make mistakes while standing on the sidelines watching and holding back from preventing those mistakes knowing they would prove beneficial.  This is grace.  While praying for assurance that you’ve done the right thing, never really knowing but trusting.  This is grace.  Welcoming him home to a family that loves him, having never let go of him and will now hold him responsible for the knowledge he’s gained and the man he’s become. Step by step.

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She saved my life, she answered when they asked how you know her.  This is grace.  From a wife who had been left too soon by a husband that loved her dearly.  This is grace.  From a neighbor who called, and sat, and brought two tiny angels with her to play around the sadness they never even noticed. This is grace.   Two women who were each struggling with their own inner distractions or pain that found each other at either end of a flight of stairs.  This is grace.  That two small children could enter and open up the hearts of these two women to move them forward toward each other and away from their pain. Step by step.

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I can’t.  She said of a woman she called friend for many years.  This is grace. To recognize that it is not your fault that she has no friends.  This is grace.  To further recognize that you cannot be the only person in her life if all she does is show you her malice.  This is grace.  To know when to leave a friendship for your own sake because your peace of mind is important and that it might prove the only way for a friend to learn.  Step by step.

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These are people who have walked beside you, never showing you their anguish.  Step by step most people are gathering grace in everything they do, everything they accomplish, everything they suffer, everything they celebrate and everything that they have and will become.  I am in awe of people of grace because they have no clue that they have anything more than blistered feet as Alice Abrams so eloquently put it.

If any one thing could impact a person’s legacy as strongly it would be grace.  One’s movement through the world, albeit at times on blistered feet, touching and impacting along the way.  Being ever cognizant of the world around you, no matter how tiny that world might be, is valuable to countless others.  I have been touched by the stories of these women this week and can’t help thinking they can’t begin to fathom how far they’ve come.  Nor can they fathom how many they’ve touched in their grace. Brava my dears put your feet up for a while.  We know, we’ve seen, your struggle hasn’t gone unnoticed by those around you…or do what you always do. Carry on through your life in that way only you can to the ever increasing benefit of us all.

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The Sick Day

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It’s been said that you never really know a person until you’ve seen them with the flu.  It’s also been said that you should never ever marry a person without seeing them with the flu.  The flu, or in my case an upper respiratory infection with bronchial spasms, changes a person into a walking whining Nyquil commercial.  It’s not pretty.

I’ve had this “thing” in some form or another since the end of December.  It started out as one “thing” then morphed into another “thing” ebbing at times, lulling me into a false sense of security in the fact that it may well be gone.  Then it came back with a vengeance.

Let me start by saying, I don’t get sick.  That said, I got sick.  I’m not good at getting sick, everyone will tell you that and then they will laugh.  Because it’s funny… I can take it for a very long time i.e. the end of December, and then I’ve had it.  Let the rant begin; WTF with this thing, my face is like cement, there is no air going through or coming out of my nose.  My sinuses are so swollen that my TEETH hurt.  Post nasal drip?  We’re talking full on the tap is wide open but there’s nowhere for the drip to go, enter the cough.  Come on already.   So what do you take?  Decongestant?  Antihistamine?  Cough suppressant? Expectorant?  Oh OK take everything in the medicine chest including a shot of Afrin which I gave up long ago but desperate times call for desperate measures….was that air going through my nose?  Just a little, very little.

Don’t go to the doctor…you can hear your mother saying sarcastically in the back of your head.  Fine.  I go to the doctor with the full expectation of picking up a Z-pack and being on my merry way…but nooooo, I’ve gone viral.  This is no run of the mill bacterial infection, there is no miracle medicine, there is only:

Claritin  –  Musinex  –  Netty Pot

Seriously?  Oh yes and plenty of fluids and rest for at least one full day.  WHAT!!! A full day?

I love my friends but this would just have them in hysterics.  Evi could not contain herself.  Sandra couldn’t either.  My sister was a bit kinder but I could hear the laugher going through her head.  I CAN’T.  The most pragmatic answer to my ranting and raving by text came from Muriel, “damn that sucks.”  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…

The only person I could rely on to come through with a true the world is coming to an end because I’m sick was Rere….and that was even MORE annoying.

So as I’m about to begin my treatment regime I’m texting back and forth with a friend of mine trying to determine if we can do a catch up on Monday, if this GD upper respiratory infection (with bronchial spasms) goes away I lament and he is somewhat sympathetic giving me back a good-natured parody of my scheme of things post from the week before.  And then it hits me, like a brick.  This is a person who in his own personal scheme of things knows like he knows what it’s like to be sick, really sick.  And here I am pissing and moaning about my swollen sinuses.  Time for me to shut the hell up, I get it and suddenly I’m grateful, as he pointed out, in the scheme of things that this is just a cold on steroids.

Four gallons of Arizona Green Tea later, a full day on the couch dozing and reading and dozing and watching the TV chefs, 24 hr. Claritin, 1200mg Musinex, netty pot twice a day and wait a minute…I can breathe. The aches are gone, thankfully I can go and keep my hair appointment because if you’ve got to wake up with a cold you don’t have to be greeted from the mirror by Bomba the elephant boy looking back at you.

I’m sure my next bout with whatever the virus de jour happens to be will still aggravate the hell out of me but in the long run if I’m going to preach that “it’s just cars” and put yourself first, and see yourself well instead of harping on the inconsequential blah blah then I should indeed just shut the hell up and get out the netty pot.

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The Scheme of Things

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021I’ve heard the phase “in the scheme of things” several times over the last few weeks and began to wonder, is this rationalization or affirmation?  Confucius would have you believe it is a definition:  “It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works.  All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.”

So if you preface what you say with “in the scheme of things” you very well may be talking affirmation.

In the scheme of things I was able to…

In the scheme of things I still managed…

In the scheme of things it all worked out…

In the scheme of things can represent the million things you’ve got to think about each day. It can represent the obligations, the lack of time, the lack of funds, the lack of motivation, the over extension or the doormat you may have become.

In the scheme of things I only…uh oh here comes the rationalization… gained 5 pounds over the holidays.  Or was only able to exercise once this week, Or didn’t get to see my friends, Or overslept once, Or Or Or.

Does anyone realize that you get to decide what your personal scheme of things is?  If you believe that all good things are difficult to achieve you’ll probably set about living up to that.  If you believe that all good things come to you, you just might shift your universe into bringing you only good things.  Ok mostly good things, point is your scheme of things is totally up to you and your life will reflect back to you what you allow.

My personal scheme of things doesn’t include hate.  Hate is a strong word and lends itself to an all or nothing mentality.  Don’t get me wrong I’ve got a few people on the “live and be well” list (You can find the translation for that in the Food for Thought post.)  But overall I rarely use the word hate nor do I give the concept much credence.  I move along from anything that triggers that kind of heavy-duty negative emotion.

It’s easier for me to lean toward love, not the gushy, sentimental, flowers in your hair kind of love but the everybody’s got a story, put yourself in their shoes, deep breath before speaking kind of love.  I’ve been caught in the jump to conclusions outlook one too many times to believe that people aren’t inherently good.  They prove me right many more times than they prove me wrong so I’m going with the love angle.

Still I have my days where in the scheme of things I’m just too tired to get a walk in, or it’s just too cold, or the bagel looks and tastes so damn good with all that cream cheese on it but the other part of the scheme of things is that it’s plural.  If, at the end of the day, the scales are balanced you’re in pretty good shape, if they are slanting in your direction, the direction that defines your scheme of things, then you’re in even better shape.

Confucius may be right, good things may be difficult to achieve and bad things may be easy to get but if you know like you know your own definitions of good and bad and can easily recognize them, if you care enough about yourself to take charge of your personal reflections then your scheme of things will be just fine.  At the very least they will be all yours.

 

To Prove or Add Value

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I’m fond of saying I have nothing left to prove only value to add.  This week I find myself asking, what the hell does that mean?  Do your values determine your life or does your life determine your values?  Yes.  At what point in your life are you done trying to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself?  When adding value do you discern?  Do you need to know the definition of value in order to add it?

Two things happened this week to make me question if this is the way I should be putting the whole prove vs value thing out there.  Someone commented on the blog last week that they too (on their 65th birthday) felt they had much value still to add.  Then in an episode of “Chopped” a 64 year old woman struggled against the younger chefs to prove she is still capable of adding value.  She ultimately won.   Does that mean you’ll always have something to prove?  These two people want to prove to themselves that they have value.

Should the proving only be to you?  Now we’re talking, of course it should.  When I think of the long list of things I felt I needed to prove over the course of my life most of them had little to actually do with me.   As a woman was I capable of the same things men were capable of, of course I was and still am. Could I live up to my husband’s family’s expectations, not really.  Did I grab on to that and try to pursue perfection, of course I did.  Could I graduate college (in midlife) in order to advance in my career, of course I could.  Did it?  To a degree.

There is always something to prove to yourself.  At this moment in time I’m trying to prove that I am a creative woman. I’m trying to develop the right side of my brain so that it works on auto pilot, so that it sees things that I’ve always thought it should see.   I’m trying to prove I’m brave, putting myself and my work out there, whether it’s the work I’m paid for or the work that sustains me.

I’m no longer trying to prove I’m perfect. Perfection has always been imposed on me, like keeping the perfect house.  Now, if the bed isn’t made I know like I know the world won’t come to an end.  The people that find themselves on Stowe Lane could care less if I make my bed every day.  Toto especially loves twirling into the sheets whether they are on the bed or not.

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I don’t set the perfect table I just put it all out and people are glad to indulge in the moments I present.  I used to live in that world where you had to worry if you died what would people find in your home?  What were the books that were supposed to be on the night stand, what food should be in the refrigerator, what would be in the fire safe box.  I just bought a fire safe box…by the way.  Among the passport, social security card, deed, the insurance info and will are my Father’s navy manual and bible.  These are the things that are precious, that add value if you will.

I’m not saving the world and my idea of adding value is to show up, to listen, to attempt to stop the spiky haired, skinny jeans bunch from trying to reinvent the wheel all the while staying relevant.  To put out a body of work that someone might find interesting or meaningful.

So what does value really mean:

  • The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
  • The material or monetary worth of something.
  • The intrinsic worth of something.
  • A person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

I got this.  No matter what your definition of value, I can fit into any of it, some of it or all of it. Or none of it.  I love the person I’ve become because I fought hard to become her.  I have proven this to myself, no one else needs to care or approve of this.  It was not who I was that held me back it was who I thought I wasn’t.

For those of you wondering if or how you will provide value, just know like you know that you are and you will.  Not everyone will think so but it only matters that you do.