Category Archives: Pause Points

Ordinary legacy moments in time.

Kitchen Closed

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What I take from my nights, I add to my days.  ~Leon de Rotrou, “Vencelas,” translated

 

If I had to pick one thing that I call an important nightly ritual it would be closing the kitchen. Someone said, the trouble with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.  I don’t mind doing the dishes, it ends my day with a sense of accomplishment even if the rest of the day was a bust.

I’m one of those people who really use their kitchen, you know for cooking. I try to cook something every night and even more on the weekends.  I can always whip up a meal for anyone who walks in the door and fortunately they do walk in the door.

So closing the kitchen becomes a sort of mediation for me:

I load the dishwasher and of course there is a perfectly neurotic way to do that.  Spoons, forks, knives all in separate sections, the spoons and forks facing up and the knives are facing down. Glasses on top, big utensils under the glasses, dishes in a row, it’s not like you don’t know me by now.

I clean the sink, sprinkle with Comet while I fuss with the dishwasher then come back and scrub and rinse until the poor old porcelain tries to shine.

I rub the cutting board with lemon, to disinfect and to make the kitchen smell delicious.  After I’m done I run the lemon through the garbage disposal to bring even more fragrance to the air and of course get the gook out of the disposal.

I wash my coffee cup and put it in position for the morning, priorities are, after all, priorities.

Mostly I get all the crumbs off the counters.  I don’t know what craziness takes me over when there are crumbs left on the table or the counters but surely I wouldn’t be able to sleep if they remained.  Kosher salt used with abandon will find its way everywhere. The linty stuff from pulling paper towels off the roll in the upright holder must go. The lemon zest, the piece of shallot, the cracker crumbs, you get the picture.

Once I’ve finished, as I turn out the light I always look back and smile.  It’s a tiny little kitchen in a perfect little U shape.  I can literally stand in the middle and reach left or right and grab just about anything I need.  Gratefully, I have a very well stocked kitchen both food wise and equipment wise.   It’s far from the one I left behind but I am grateful for the people it draws, the food that comes out of it, the fact that I have it and the nightly reassurance that I want for nothing. Exhale, kitchen closed.

The Gardener’s Shadow

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Gardens are a form of autobiography.  ~Sydney Eddison, Horticulture magazine, August/September 1993

So if that’s the case, what happens when a gardener moves, or becomes ill or dies? I took a photo walk through the community garden at the senior housing grounds where my mother lives recenty.  It’s about two dozen semi-raised beds that are gardened by some of the residents and I can tell you exactly what happens.  Weeds.  And more weeds.  And even more weeds.

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The juxtaposition of healthy gardens to weed beds is in direct correlation to the members who have become ill, disabled or died.  It’s a heart break.  I could barely see through the lens to capture the reality but it has also given birth to a new mission.  I know, you’re shocked.

I intend to find out exactly how these plots are allocated and make it my business to volunteer.  I’m at this senior housing building almost every Sunday and if I can weed my own neighborhood I can certainly weed some of these tiny plots of soil.  I can just imagine being among these people next spring when they begin their work.  It’s been said that the more one gardens, the more one learns; and the more one learns, the more one realizes how little one knows, Vita Sackville-West.  The base of knowledge to draw from excites me beyond…these seniors know more tips and tricks than any five gardeners I already know.  They’ve probably forgotten more than I’ll ever know.  And yeah the forgetting part may become a problem…just sayin it’s yet another reason to make myself available.

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I wonder if the on-site housing management knows when gardeners have taken ill.  I wonder if these plots can be temporarily reallocated.  I wonder why the other gardeners don’t jump in.  Is it because of the very personal and peculiar habits of all individual gardeners?

Whatever the reason I just can’t resist the temptation to get my hands dirty, share (ok more like abscond away with) all the collective knowledge of these senior growers and to preserve the integrity of these gardens through the season.

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The reality of the people living in this complex is not lost on them.  They understand that they are in the twilight of their lives but I can think of nothing more distracting than to see it brought to light in the form of an overgrown garden.

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For the residents to be able to walk among the plots of living, flourishing nature has been proven over and over to lift spirits and provide hopefulness and positive anticipation. Hans Christian Anderson said, “Just living is not enough, one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower.”  I know like I know that I will certainly get more from this than whatever amount of backache it gives me. Stay tuned.

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Food for Thought

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In the interest of preserving my karmic equity I have developed a sort of code language.  Everyone’s got one whether they know it or not.  On my legacy journey I want to make certain not to piss off the Universe before I arrive but there are times…..

I’m in a business that is dominated by men. Enough said.  But the thing is, in this tiny little part of the business I’m responsible for they have to get approvals from….me.  These are grown men mind you, not children so hold that thought.

I was taught by the best and thankfully he didn’t spare any of the gory details.  Here are some of the more common translations I use to quell the boy inside the man when they try to get over on me.  If it sounds a little (or maybe a lot) like your mother you’re right on target.

What I say… What I mean…

 
Help me understand. WTF

 
What am I missing? Did you really think that would work?

 
Once upon a time… Oh yeah, let’s hear this story.

 
Sooooo, let me see if I have this right,

You want….

You did….

You said…

 And now you want me to…

WHAT?

You’d make a shitty teenager; even they wouldn’t try that logic.
 

 

  

You see how it would be impossible for me to preserve my karmic equity if I said what I really mean right?  I sometimes run into trouble when someone really pushes my buttons as was the case just recently.  Thank God my boss loves a good rant because I was on fire.  After I was done getting it all out of my system I thought well I’LL TEACH HIM A LESSON in my best na na nanana voice.  And I set about crafting an email that would cut like a knife.  About half way through I thought better of it. Kind of.  I know this guy’s got a story and he’s up against it and on and on and on. But he personifies passive aggressive behavior and has a condescending tone.  I thought maybe I should teach him a lesson in my best walk a mile in his shoes tone. So I said what I had to say and put a pacifying stipulation that would help him save face at the end.  Done.  Everyone’s happy, well maybe not him, but certainly me and the Universe.

One of the things I learned a while ago was to check my motivation.  I try to really know why I’m doing something and what I’ll get out of it.  If it runs along the lines of revenge, vengeance, one-up-manship,  I try and stay away from it.  If it leans toward kindness, compassion and humanity I try and go with it.  Listen I’m no saint but I’m trying to change my evil ways as Santana so eloquently suggested.   Truth be told I struggle with doing things just because it’s the right thing to do.  I like the thank yous and the fuss sometimes but that does not a legacy build.

The line I use the most, the one I believe will build my karmic equity better than anything and not tear it down, the one that will make butter drip from my tongue, the line that keeps me out of trouble the most because only those close to me ( and now you ) know about it;

He should live and be well.

Translation;

Dead To Me.

I know, I’m working on it….

Who Knew?

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Something interesting happened at a meeting I was in the other day.  Yes, you read that correctly something interesting happened at a meeting.  Over lunch, during a meet and greet of the new HR head, the request was made, “Tell me three things people might not know about you.”

People never cease to surprise me.  Here among the people I see all the time were accomplished musicians, cyclists, renovators, cooks, photographers and former this and thats with stories to tell.

Some are accomplishing amazing things like black belts and wine making.  Others spurred on by a bit of regret accomplished wonderful ancestry investigations for a chance to document a loved one’s legacy.  Many passionate about children and the chance to make a difference in their lives through activities shared and traditions passed along. And this was a very small portion of the people I work with every day. Imagine….

Each spoke with a bit of hesitation at first, this was a vulnerability moment for everyone including me.  I was a bit let down by the shaking in my voice when I talked about my three passions; the cooking that led to my being a favorite Aunt, my love of photography newly inspired, and, of course, Ordinary Legacy.  My dear friend put it best when he said one should never get pissed about being human.  True that and I came to realize that when I talk about myself I am filled with an emotion that was lacking for many years.  It might take a while to recapture the confidence of passion.  But I did it and I will continue to do it until my voice stops shaking.

I am in awe of people and the way they can surprise and inspire you.  The way they bump up against adversity or regret and make something amazing out of it.  This same week I came across Brandon Stanton who is the energy behind the website Humans of New York.  He too is asking questions of people he meets every time he creates a portrait of them.  Questions like; do you mind if I take your photo?, if you could give one piece of advice what would it be?, can you give me an example?, what has been your greatest struggle.  He is capturing the ordinary legends of the city, the people among us who are making their way in the world in surprising numbers in quiet ways.

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Brandon has inspired me to develop an Ordinary Legend ingredient to Ordinary Legacy. It would be a natural progression of my camera meeting my desire to learn how people are making their way in the world and what they might leave behind as a result.  My question, “tell me something people might be surprised to learn about you.”

I have long been a fan of Alice Walker and especially her quote, “Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.” But I’m finding it’s not necessary to live frugally on surprise, it’s everywhere in so many things, people number one among them.

To name just a few this week:

Lunch and a photo walk with my niece Kate found us together in a little restaurant in the East Village with good food and good music and wait staff that were thrilled when we got up to lindy to Glen Miller’s In the Mood.  It was a surprise moment, filled with laughter at who would lead and big hug at the end.  Oh yes, and a tiny bit of applause.

My dear Sandra and her husband David stopped on their way home from Maryland for an impromptu dinner on Stowe Lane.  Silly little pizzas, a bottle of red and a bottle of white, the now famous Caesar salad and I couldn’t have been happier.  It was the first time David had been on Stowe Lane and he loves it now too.

The people running the farm stand I stopped at on my way back from Pennsylvania picked out my vegetables for me.  They picked out the perfect tomatoes, corn, blueberries and peaches.  Advice on which ones to eat when, bagged separately so that I wouldn’t forget and the ripeness would unfold over the whole week.  Love that.

The things that will turn a modest life into a three dimensional life are the surprises.  One doesn’t have to live frugally on them if you are open to them and can recognize them when they appear.  They will come from the people all around you, the ones you think you know but really don’t, the ones that inhabit certain parts of your life but have amazing lives away from yours.  You will find surprises in everyone, I know like I know…

Just Enough Rain for Luck

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Had anyone told me I would be quoting Steven “Dude looks like a lady” Tyler I would have said they were smoking what he smokes…the thing is he’s got this when he says “If you have a candle, the light won’t glow any dimmer if I light yours off of mine.”

I have been the recipient of more generosity than I ever could have imagined.  From my family, from my family, from my family especially my Father.  He didn’t have much, he didn’t know much but he shared everything from stories to lost dreams to insight to the yolk from his over easy eggs salted just perfectly to wint-o-green lifesavers.  We spoke a similar language that only we could understand.

So many generous people have shared their knowledge with me throughout my career that it’s hard to list them all.  Most notably my friend Cookie, a rare breed in the car business that thought it was ok, no more than ok, to share his vast, been there done that, know where the bodies are buried knowledge with a woman of all people.  I’m not talking about the read the financial statement kind of knowledge I’m talking about the watch out for this trick, keep an eye out for this on the bill of sale kind of knowledge.   It was invaluable but beyond that it was the same kind of knowledge my own father shared, the real life, you’ll get kicked in the ass once in a while knowledge in a kicked up more educated went to college version.

Over the course of the sixteen years I worked with him, he was my mentor, he was my friend and he became my confidant during a time when not much was going right.  You can’t help but know an awful lot about each other’s families working together every single day.  He knew my relationship with my father and I knew his relationship with his children especially his Muriel.  So it was no surprise to me when my father died he could see the future.

In the infinity of life that we all share, I have to believe that a promise kept is more important than many other things.  If something happens to me, he said…you’ve got Muriel.  Of course I would, and so I do.  Through the miracle of universal alignment she lives four doors away on our little Stowe Ln.  It’s been an easy friendship full of shared experiences and memories of both her father and mine.  It’s my hope that one day she will think of me as one of the generous people in her life and fulfill her promise of helping me grow old with a sippy cup of wine in my hand…just sayin

I had the honor of seeing her married this past weekend, of chauffeuring her in a shiny BMW the way her Father would have, of authenticating the day through photos that were beautiful but regrettably missing one of the most important people in her life. We didn’t speak of it, we didn’t have to.

It was a joyous day none the less, had I had a daughter I would want her to be exactly like Muriel. Beautiful, real, take after her Father in that sarcastic listen closely so you don’t miss anything kind of way.  We will always share the Father’s Daughter mentality, sentimentality although she will poo poo being capable of any such thing. What we know like we know is that they are exuberantly watching from somewhere and even if they’re not they have shared so much that we will never run out of all that they have left behind for us.

To that end the lesson for both of us from our Father’s has been  to share what we know, not just our knowledge but our way of looking at things, our perspective if you will, our sense of humor, our sense of family and our friendship so that we too can leave behind bits of ourselves.

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My dearest Muriel and Martina no amount of love and health and happiness can ever be enough for you.  Know you’re loved, share your lives fully and leave behind all that makes you what and who you are, as individuals and as a couple, so that many can benefit from your having met and married.  Like your wedding day I wish you just enough rain for luck I know like I know it will be a breathtaking life.