Wallyball Forfeit

speak the truth

What the hell is Wallyball?  Oh you’ll love it.  You play in a racquetball court with a volley ball and a net. You play off the walls, it’s fast and it’s fun and it will be hysterical.  Was this the plan the whole time?  Well yeah, we didn’t want to tell you because…Because I’m not the least bit athletic, because I smoke, because I’m bigger than any two of you put together, because I’d be the one running for towels and wouldn’t that be perfect?

I’ll take the forfeit.  You can’t forfeit, it’s her fortieth birthday party.  Yeah I know.  I’m going to take the forfeit.  Why are you saying that, she’ll be crushed.  No she’ll understand.  I have no idea if she understood, I never saw her again.  In my heart I knew that would be the case but I did it anyway.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I was ready to quit this friendship but my method of breaking it apart haunts me to this day.

We had been friends on and off since high school.  It was an interesting friendship, she the blonde athletic beauty that all the boys adored and I the dark haired side kick that all the boys lamented to about never getting her attention. There were times when I thought she keeps me around just to clean up the messes and,  although I could hold my own on the looks side of things, didn’t I make her look all that much more beautiful for my curviness and Italian features.

The relationship was on again for most of the major life events, her wedding, my wedding, her annulment, her next wedding, and the birth of her children.  I was maid of honor, matron of honor, Godmother to one of her children and her mother used to call us sisters.

We weren’t sisters.  There came a time that we no longer wore the same size clothes.  There came a time that I began to smoke more.  There came a time that I seemed to be relegated to the kitchen during parties while she socialized with her, now quite beautiful, friends.  These were the young mothers with all that entailed and all that I had no interest in.  I am a favorite Aunt with all that entails but they couldn’t grasp the importance or the prestige of that title.

At the same time she moved an hour away.  Visits became infrequent and thankfully I didn’t need to recount the goings on in my life with a husband that had become addicted to drugs.  On the rare occasions we did get together, always at her much bigger much more expensive home, the uneasiness was palpable.  I knew this was not going to be a lifelong friendship after all but I’m a never-say-die kind that just keeps trying and blaming myself for the lack of improvement.

At one point in my life I realized that no one had ever left me.  Interesting thought to cross one’s mind but it’s true.  And why would they?  I am a giver, I’m the one who will loan you the money, clean up the mess, make an excuse on your behalf and generally make sure you are comfortable and accommodated. Not always to your benefit I came to find out when my husband and I finally divorced after twenty six years of marriage.

So as I was putting all the pieces together toward moving on, this party arises.  In my heart of hearts I couldn’t imagine I would ever do a thing like not show up.  But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.  I could not bear the embarrassment of people jumping in front of me for a ball as they had so many times before.  I could not chance the unpredictability of my husband’s behavior.  Who the hell knows what side of the high he might find himself on and did I want to haul an hour away only to turn around anyway.  I couldn’t stand trying to put on a fun face in front of all the slender young mothers again.  And I could not be the one to fetch the towels.  Or serve the food.  Or take the pictures.  Or be invisible.  I just couldn’t.

So that was the end of that.  Why does it haunt me?  I’m not sure.  Did she turn out to be right about my husband and the one sided relationship. Yes.  Was she right when she warned me that being a Godmother was a big responsibility not to be taken lightly before I made the decision to say yes.  Yes.  Was she right about health and smoking and vegetables. Yes.

I’m sure it haunts me because it was heartless and it could have been handled better.  It haunts me because it doesn’t represent the way I do things.  It haunts me because I let them down and I’ve tried my entire life never to let anyone down.  It doesn’t haunt me because it ended but because I was completely selfish in my execution of the friendship’s end.  The irony of using the word execution does not escape me.  I didn’t speak the truth to the person who needed to hear it.

So now it is seventeen years later and I think of her on her birthday each year.  I wonder if I should apologize for my behavior.  And then it occurs to me that she has probably gotten beyond the Wallyball forfeit years ago and I am giving myself entirely too much credit for “ruining” anything.  I look at the state of my life on this day and feel I’ve done more good than harm in the seventeen years that have past but somehow I can’t seem to let it go.  It doesn’t stay with me every waking hour but it does give me pause when there are hard conversations to be had with friends.

I’ve developed an interesting mix of friends since leaving my husband four years ago.  The life I was living was one of isolation so now that I am reengaged I am careful to monitor when to engage fully and when to hold back just a bit.  This is not a constant vigilance but I never again want to fail to recognize when my comfort level is being threatened.  I never want to be relegated to the kitchen unless it’s my choice and oddly enough it’s usually my first choice now.

I no longer smoke. I am slimmer now but certainly not near the curvy figure I once had.  Thankfully, I am much healthier, nuts, berries and the occasional vegetable to thank for that.  I’m older now and I know I will never recapture my youth; it’s gone and mostly cherished for its lessons learned.  I know like I know, that I will try to speak the truth and continue to honor myself in my friendships and that the mishandling of a friendship, or its breakup, is nothing I ever want to repeat.

 

 

Sew Happy

never under estimate

So far today, I’ve hemmed two pairs of pants, mended a sweater, tacked the sagging drape linings, and whistled (ok more like hummed since I can’t really whistle) happily at my brand new sewing machine.

I learned to sew over forty years ago. A little bit from a Home Economics class in school but more from my two Aunts, Nettie and Millie.  Of the four girls in my mother’s family; my mother was the baby, my Aunt Lucy was the gypsy and Nettie and Millie were the milliners/dressmakers/slip coverers/menders and shakers of the family.

So once I went through my home ec class they began their unmaking of bad habits and molding (more like ripping) me into a fine seamstress.  Each had their style, it was a bit like good cop bad cop, but both were amazing and creative with highly professional results.  Their garments were beautiful and so well made that I’m sure some of them are still around today in someone’s attic closet.   Most of the old snapshots illustrated their work, no one EVER bought clothes.  That crap, Millie would say.

I remember Aunt Nettie’s sewing room like it was a play land.  It was the former front porch of her house. You had one step to go down and the floor had bits of thread everywhere.  Her sewing machine was right in front of the window and there was a closet filled with this and that.  Patterns, “borrowed” spools of thread from the factories she worked in, stacks of remnants, boxes of pins, the iron, the ironing board, all the accouterments filled this tiny little room.

My Aunt Millie had a corner in her tiny little Astoria apartment for sewing but mostly she did her work at our house.  In the basement.  When she came almost every Saturday, don’t get my Mother started on that one, there was always time spent in the basement at the “machine”.  The machine was an old Singer in its own cabinet right along the base of the stairs.  To the left was my grandmother’s metal topped kitchen table (which I now have in my office/sewing room) and to the left of that was the ironing board and iron (which my mother constantly wanted to know “did you turn the iron off?”…sometimes yes, sometimes no).

first singer

I distinctly remember making a blouse, complete with placket, button holes and a collar that must have been ripped out five times until I got it perfectly straight by Aunt Millie (yes she was the bad cop).  I remember learning the art of perfect top stitching from Aunt Nettie.  I remember fighting with Aunt Millie (like I had any kind of opinion) about basting. I remember the now famous Grandma line, “I was like you, you’ll be like me” being thrown at me when I so easily threaded a needle for her and laughed. I am indeed now like her.

I remember the smell of the machine oil, the heat from the lamp and the sound of the needle going up and down.  They are fond memories for me and every time I sit at the machine I think of them both.

Aunt Millie was always doing for us when we were kids and into our adult years too.  She purchased a sewing machine for my sister and me and had them safely stashed up in our attic for when we got married (tradition, dowry, who the hell knows).  I moved out on my own before I got married so the machine with my name on it came with me.

collect_sew_sing646a

The new machine was an upgrade, for sure, from the one we were using in the basement and I put it to good use sewing curtains, day bed covers, bolster covers, pillows and even covering my seat cushions on the wicker furniture.  It went forward and back, had a button hole attachment and ok it got me through.  I used it for many years and was grateful to have it.

My sister, on the other hand, left hers in my mother’s attic well after she moved out.  So when mine began to die a slow death I retrieved it with the promise that whatever she needed sewn I would help her out.

One look at the box had me rocketing to Jupiter.  There it was the Singer Touch Tronic 1060, pushbutton, seventeen different stitches, automatic button holes, auto reverse, and auto bobbin winder.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I was working for ten years on a machine that went forward and back.  Sewed everything under the sun while this automatic, one touch, do everything without changing one piece, even stand on your head for you machine was in the ATTIC?  What the hell was Millie thinking?  My name clearly on the box with the naked, simple, back breaking machine and Terri’s name on the super duper deluxe model.  You can’t make this up people.

Sing_1060

So shake it off and be grateful that we have finally found each other at last.  And for the next 15 years we made up for and used every one of those seventeen stitches, button holed our way to new blouses and shower curtains and went forward and back at the touch of a button.

Until recently.  When I moved to Stowe Lane my machine began to scream every time I turned it on.  Literally it would scream.  Something in the way the rod was rubbing something made this noise that sent the dogs running for cover and me pulling my hair out.  If you kept going long enough it would stop…and then start again…and then slap it and it would stop.  Finally, almost five years later, it was fighting me while I was hemming a pair of jeans.  Of course I wanted to wear them that night.  Of course the bobbin thread was binding.  Of course it was screaming and not stopping.  OMG just shoot me.  I finally got through with the tiny little job that should have taken a minute.  I unplugged the machine, yanked the cord and the foot pedal off of it.  Picked it up by putting my arm through the middle (it weighed about two hundred pounds…ok maybe thirty five pounds) and marched out the door toward the dumpster.  Quite the spectacle as Muriel can attest.  She graciously relieved me of the machine and walked it to the dumpster for me while I ranted to beat the band.  Just a tiny little episode on Stowe Lane nothing to be alarmed about.

I had never bought a sewing machine before, I had no idea what they cost so I was pleasantly surprised to find I could own a very nice machine for about 139.00.  Really?  I’ve been fighting with the screaming machine for almost five years and for less than my monthly grocery bill I could get a new one.  Live and learn…again.

singer fashion mate

Thanks to Amazon, my new machine arrived two days later.  It has 70 different stitches, all the automated blah blah you can possibly think of.  And because I laughed at Aunt Millie all those years ago about not being able to thread a needle I bought the one that has the needle threader.  Just saying.

The “Girls”

the bmw girls

Once upon a style a few dozen pounds ago I could show off a turtleneck sweater with the best of them.  I’m not talking about Nora Ephron hide my neck kind of show off I mean Marilyn Monroe kind of pinup girl show off.

Being stacked is both a blessing and a curse.  Blessing in that men find you attractive and it evens out your damn hips. Curse because you can’t, well, play golf for instance.  Furthermore, you can’t wear button down shirts that fit your shoulders without busting a button. Get it? 

Many and I mean many, years ago there was a test you could do to decide whether you were able to wear a tube top, you remember those right?  If you could slide a pencil, you remember those too right, under your breast and it fell to the ground you could wear a tube top.  Wear one without looking like those tubes of polenta that start to smush and mush when they get warm that is. Just sayin.  I was NOT one of those girls. 

I was, and still am, one of those women that need a cast iron bra.  The lift and separate using underwire and stays and side panels and four hook kind.  There is no lace or front closure or racer back or, god forbid, padding.  There is minimizing, end of story.

Like many young girls, when I started to develop I thought what the hell am I going to do with these?  To make them less out there I would hunch a bit.  At thirteen you don’t want to be attractive to men, you just want to fit in with the other kids.   Posture wasn’t as important then and damn am I paying for that now, Dowagers hump here I come.

So now I have to really pay attention and I was reminded of that just recently.  We had a wonderful gathering of women friends to wish one of our own congratulations in her new job.  Truly it was wonderful until the cameras came out. 

I’m a big fan of perfect storms and boy did this one roar in and do some damage.  Combine a few glasses of wine, a relaxed pose (read shitty posture), a well worn in bra (more like tin than iron clad), and a clingy turtleneck sweater and you have a very rude awakening.

So ok pass the cameras around and now let’s have a look.  OMG.  Here I go again, what the hell am I going to do with those.  They look a lot like tubes of polenta doing what warm polenta in the tube does.  I can’t help but laugh my head off at the sight and the girls, at the dinner that is, did too. The words that spring immediately to mind are Old Italian woman.

While this Old Italian woman is damn glad that her breasts are healthy and tested negative for cancer she is awake now.  So six pounds and three new cast iron, minimizing, foundations (as they were once called) later I have started down the path of redemption.   Breaking in those bras is no easy task as most women are fully (lol) aware.  Someone tell me again why men do not have one piece of clothing that needs to be broken in.  No maybe don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.

 I’m sure I won’t give up turtlenecks because I live in the Northeast and it gets damn cold but I know like I know that rocking a clingy turtleneck like Marilyn Monroe is more about attitude, posture and a damn good bra than anything else.

Spring is a time of new beginnings. Honey Michelson

vernal equinox

Spring brings more light, a warmer sun, and the promise of a garden to come. I can just about make out the tips of the hosta, the poke of the sweet woodruff and the tulips (all two of them that are left) are leafed out but no bud yet.

Spring begins with the vernal equinox.  Equinox from the Latin “equal night”.  The days and the nights are just about equal everywhere.  The tilt of the earth is zero.  This got me thinking…

I’ve had an interesting week full of juxtaposition, equal day and night.  Equal easy and difficult.  Equal good and not so much.  I found myself saying I know like I know for the day, easy, and good circumstances.  No surprise there. But then I found myself saying I don’t know what I don’t know for the night, difficult, and not so much situations.

It’s not always like this, equal.  Sometimes, no mostly, it’s all good (I’m always reminded of Toots whenever I say those words) a lot like summer.   Rarely is it all difficult, a lot like winter.   I’m talking more about the I know like I know stuff being the cornerstone of my being.  I take what I know for sure and cement it to my life.

But this week, this week has been different.  I’m opening myself up to I don’t know what I don’t know in response to my otherwise smart ass usual snap judgments.  To the most helpful phone conversation with himself, to the 3:45am break-in at my neighbors, to the pop in behind the scenes Facebook conversation with my dear friend in Amsterdam all these have left me saying, I don’t know what I don’t know.  There are ways of being and personal issues looming in everyone’s life, everyone has a story.  But I’m no longer satisfied to assume I know the story.  There seems to be so much more.

So, Spring has started a time of new beginnings for me, where the admission of not knowing will lead to further exploration, understanding and empathy.  Combine that with the acknowledgment that the unknown isn’t as daunting as I once thought and I know like I know that more light, warmer sun and the promise of growth might happen to me too.

The Perfect Elevator Pitch

elevator pitch4

The art to a perfect elevator pitch is making an impression in thirty seconds or less.  Hopefully it’s a good, no a curious, impression in thirty seconds or less.  Your ultimate goal is for the person you’re pitching to say……………..tell me more.  Mission accomplished.

The question posed is usually; what do you do?

I write about all things ordinary because I believe that’s where real legacy comes from.  No one likes to talk about it but everyone will leave a legacy whether they intend to or not. Why not embrace the ordinary where memories become legend and you become immortal.

Wait for it…

Tell me more….perfect.

I bet everyone can think of at least three ordinary things, smells, moments, sounds that are directly associated with someone they no longer have in their life.  They don’t always have to be positive; no one said everyone would leave behind goodness and light.  Not everyone made their way in the world nobly.

But everyone is making their way in the world.  This week proved to me that legacies of all kinds are being forged with and without awareness.  My neighbor is fighting for her life in rehab, her family is forming her legacy as we speak but it’s yet to be decided, it’s an ongoing process, one I truly hope is life affirming with an outcome of strength and resilience.

My mother is rallying in another kind of rehab with literal strength and resilience toward being home for Easter.  Her release date is the 25th.  She has taken the rehab center by storm with her charming personality; and while they want to see her well, they would love to keep her among them.

Spending time with friends and colleagues this week has been essential for me.  I had to dig deep into the past to help someone; I had to go somewhere I hadn’t been in quite some time.  Truth be told I was sure I’d never have to go there again but your history sometimes bears repeating for the sake of another poor soul.  My problem is the balance of helping and hurting.  I learned much about myself this time around and was able to invest only what was necessary to start a process, not so much that I became overwhelmed.  I began to go too far but stopped; quite a valuable lesson in boundaries.

I’m learning to stop more and more.  Through my writing I find release and cleansing. I hope others will too.  I’m so fortunate to have finally found my creative outlet, one that lends itself to some measure of integrity.  But I’ve got to be careful to check my motivation.  I’m writing for the love of it, for the love of legacy and for the love of life.  Not for the “likes” on Facebook or the site stats that I so often find myself checking.  If people read, when people read I will be grateful.

father daughter

Speaking of grateful, my friend Paul shared the pictures from the annual Father/Daughter dance today.  They are just beautiful and his face truly tells a wonderful story.  He is creating the best legacy of all, one year, and dance and picture at a time for his “father’s daughters”.   Although my father and I never danced I am reminded each year, around this time of his death, just how many wonderful moments he left behind.  It is a blessing to me to watch another father do the same.

 

Truly, what is ordinary to one may be extraordinary to another, I know like I know.