Someone asked me today if they should send a thank you for an interview they had recently.  The interview brought a smile to their face when they told me it was one of the best interviews they ever had. But…they didn’t want to seem over the top.  My initial reaction was that you should never hesitate to say thank you.  If you’re grateful then you should show it.  The old cliché of what goes out will come back to you tenfold remains true.

But all this talk of gratitude; what does it feel like?

• The smile that comes to your face when you walk in your door.
• The smile that comes to your face when tears come to your sister’s eyes after she discovers you’ve cleaned her house while she was at work.  Even if she’s threatening to take away your key……not.
• The smile that comes to your face at the dogs running from one end of your apartment to the other when you get home from work.
• The smile that comes to your face every time you realize (over and over) that you’re fulfilling your dear friend’s dying request.
• The smile that comes to your face when spring brings perennial blooms.  The perennials that were sent by friends when you put out the “can ya help a gardener” email.
• The smile that comes to your face when your best friend loves your idea for her website’s tag line.
• The smile that comes to your face when you cross the Sagimore Bridge on to the Cape.
• The smile that comes to your face when you find an Adirondack chair outside the dumpster that only needs a few screws and some paint to make it fabulous.
• The smile that comes to your face when every single unexpected thank you that you deliver is met with a thank you back.  Best one was the “thank you for doing a wonderful job on my porch” and the  coffee I offered to the mason fixing my front porch who got a pretty good beating from me the day before for stomping my flowers.  A stuttering thank you is especially endearing.

The point is that anything that brings a smile to your face can be considered a thing of gratitude.  You don’t have to say it out loud you just have to feel that smile spread across your face changing your whole demeanor and bringing you to that place of knowing you’re grateful.  Gratitude is heartwarming, fulfilling and contagious.  The more gratitude you have the more you will find to be grateful for.  I know like I know that I am thankful every day for the life I now lead, it truly brings a smile to my face.

That’s what you hope to hear when you dial in to your voice mail at work.  You hope that one message can be answered quickly so that you can get on with your day.  You expect to be off and running without any additional tasks. 

 What you don’t expect is to hear your former VPs voice checking to see if you’re OK a few months after you’ve lost a dear friend. It’s one of those voice mails that slows down time and makes you appreciate that some people really do care, for you and for the friend we’ve lost. 

So how am I doing?  I think of Cookie often and going forward was harder than I thought it would be at first.  I miss our friend but I’m still surrounded by his family and friends and we share something about him almost daily.  I know that disabled was not his style and that he is probably “shooting hoops with Ryan” at this very moment.

As for my voice mail, thank you Gene.  For being one of those people who cares enough to make the call that slowed down time long enough to remember that what we do is “just cars”.  For being VP enough to know that you are managing real people not numbers, and for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.  I remain in debt to you for all you’ve done for me and in awe of you for your continued kindess.   I’m doing just fine.

At any given time one of my people are going through something.  They might be coping with a loss of someone dear to them, a breakup of a relationship, the despair of an aging parent, or just feeling weary. Yes, I’m talking to you.

 I think of them all the time, I send my love and prayers but I never ask God to give them what they want.  I ask God to give them what they need.  I’ve learned that most times what you want and what you need are entirely different.  It’s unfortunate that you have no way of knowing that until you’ve received what you actually need.  That has been the basis of every ah-ha moment I’ve ever experienced. 

And I don’t worry about them because they are all strong.  And of course, I believe if I worry about them that will just bring me more to worry about instead of bringing me the good news that they are coming around.  Call that what you will, it works for me.

I picture them taking five minutes to sit with a cup of tea or coffee.  Just five minutes to close their eyes, smell the aroma, feel the warmth coming through the cup and shut their minds off.  I picture them concentrating on a sip at a time and truly tasting the rich or soothing flavors.  I picture a thought of me coming into their heads knowing that I pray for them and send as much love as I can so that they might find a smile and an exhale.

Final: That which is last; that which forms an end or a termination. 

I guess if you’re going to begin a new life you must first terminate your old life.  Up until now I’ve been going along on my own just thinking my wonderful new life had already begun.  That wasn’t exactly true.  I’ve moved, gotten new dogs, new furniture and new friends but there was no formal end to the old life. Is a formal end always necessary? Or can an old life flow into and out of the new one.  Can one take the best of the old life with them, like the nieces and nephews?  Or does everything need to be abandoned?  Is it abandonment or is it an understanding?  Like knowing you won’t be invited to the weddings but also knowing that you’ve left your mark on young lives and might still be a favorite Aunt that they seek out for Gramma’s old recipes.

Finals: The last, usually comprehensive, examination in a course of study.

When a divorce is final many times there is a reexamination of one’s life.  How’s it going; are you passing or failing?  In looking back over my marriage I wonder if I was the one who failed.  Not the marriage but myself.  Did I do the best I could for myself or did I abandon all I once believed? In order to…what?  Can a person get stuck in something in the name of love that will never be good for them?  Was it ever good for them?  What’s good for them now?

Finally: At last, eventually, after considerable delay.

I can truly breathe now; I have time now, to answer all the questions that continue to surround me.   Somehow, I thought the questions would be answered, that they would be easy and few.  But in fact, it is the questions that have actually become the answers.  If you’re not asking questions your entire life can you consider yourself curious?  Now finally I understand that it is the questions that provide the growth, the peace, the understanding.  The answers will only serve to move you to the next question and a better understanding, continued growth and the wonder of a curious life. Finally.

That’s what I would say every time I’d walk in to visit.  That’s what would make him laugh, out loud sometimes.  That’s what would perk up a sometimes monotonous day.  That’s all I could offer my friend over the past three years, a snappy remark, a bit of a laugh, a break in the monotony and perhaps a pignoli nut cookie on occasion.

After all he did for me was that enough?

Robert E. Cook, family man, friend, former BMW employee, basketball lover, Yankee fan and all around genuine human being passed away today from heart failure.  This after surviving a hemorrhagic stroke on Memorial Day 2007 and battling his way back to a simple existence at home in Monsey NY.

I had the distinct honor of working with Bob for over 12 years and could not have asked for a better learning experience.  In a business that is not kind to women I was given the very precious gift of knowledge from Bob.  His generosity in sharing what he knew made me the car hag I am today.  Oh yeah, all that knowledge came with a title.

I was not the only recipient of his generosity.  There are many people telling were-it-not-for Bob stories of his help and his bigheartedness as I write this.  They will continue to tell those stories for years to come.  I’ve heard many of them before (especially after his stroke), some told by him in his version which was humble, and some told in the recipient’s version which are filled with a unique mix of humor and gratitude.

Humor was his shield, humor was his therapy, and humor was his forte. You can’t tell a Bob story without a chuckle or more likely a belly laugh.  His unique way of naming everyone could bring you to tears of hilarity and those names i.e. car hag had a tendency to stick.  The amazing mix of wit and sarcasm could have you doing a double take.  Believe me we laughed even harder when some walked away shaking their heads not getting the joke.  All in good natured fun, all in the name of reduced tension and conflict avoidance.  Yeah we knew what he was up to….how about those Yankees.

There are many people that considered themselves friends of Bob’s over the years, good friends.  I’m trying desperately to understand that it was too difficult for them to visit and come face to face with what might be their own mortality.  I gladly gave updates to all those who asked about Bob on a regular basis, those people who know him on a much more casual basis but thought of him often.  I applaud and love with all my heart those who came to visit as hard as that could sometimes be.  I am forever grateful to those who sat with him and chatted away never expecting him to answer or engage.  I will keep those people in my heart and prayers for the rest of my life; they understood that to give of themselves was a joy to both Bob and his wife Kathy.

I am proud to call myself his friend, I am proud that I could fulfill the requests he had, “if anything should happen to him” and I am proud that I stuck with him and his family all through these last years. Rest assured his family has become my family.   I have gained more from knowing this man and his family than I could ever have imagined and know that he is looking down right now saying “well done Mrs. LoConti” That is one of my greatest accomplishments.

What are his greatest accomplishments; the love of family, a life of generous service to others, and enough stories to be told for decades.  He is loved, he will be missed.  This is no ordinary legacy.