Tag Archives: exhale

Wasting Your Breath

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Lunch with the Baldwins (1)

It’s been an interesting week, one filled with quotes and quips about arguing of all things.  I’m no longer an arguer; I actually think I may have learned a thing or two about NOT arguing.  As tempted as I may be to insert my wisdom, you know the kind that comes from having screwed up so many times and made so many mistakes you can call yourself wise just by virtue of having tipped the experience scale in the not much left to screw up category, I’m trying not to.

For a while now I’ve been using the word, O-K said in the most upbeat bordering on sing songy way to get out of an argument but this week I noticed:

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Come on, this is brilliant.  Of course you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to you can actually NOT TAKE THE BAIT.  It’s true.  Even if it’s your hot button issue you can choose not to argue.

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I’ve given up arguing with both children, cats and dogs.  I pretty much treat them the same way, catch them doing something good, don’t reward bad behavior and be the pack leader.  Toto and I have been figuring out life without Lina and I will say something like, come on Toti let’s go.  Nothing.  She doesn’t move, she gives me the raised eyebrows, which are adorable and incredibly tempting to fall for, but doesn’t move.  O-K and I walk away, to the kitchen, get the leash and wait.  Well look who it is; ready to go for a walk. Yep, sitting right in front of me waiting for the signal.  Just sayin.

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Several weeks ago my mother asked if I would pick her up a bottle of Amaretto.  O-K not a problem.  I brought it to her one Sunday when we all got together for breakfast; you see where this is going… We had coffee and breakfast and up she went to get a particular cordial glass and poured herself a glass of Amaretto.  My sister and I looked at each other and thought the same thing.  We’re not going to argue the merits of this, at 84 years old you can do whatever the hell you want.  I plan on it myself. By the way, the bottle and the glass remain on the table.

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I have a friend who gets so frustrated by not getting the assistance around the house she craves from her family.  We have the same discussion every single time; it’s no longer an argument because it’s crossed over into something else.  The definition of insanity and we laugh about it now.  The discussion goes something like; there are over three hundred ways to do the dishes why does it have to be your way?  They are helping, who the hell cares if they stack them different, they’re not breaking them and they are clean. Just sayin you either let them do it their way or shut the hell up, no?

I was there, I did that, I have a system (for almost everything) so when I’m in the zone no one will ask if they can help but I don’t want them to ask.  I don’t lament that they don’t ask because I know I’m a pain in the ass.  I’ve learned not to argue with reality.

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Last but not least if I want someone’s opinion I will definitely ask for it.  I will ask my most trusted, the people who care for me and know me better than anyone else.  I will not trust my vulnerability to just anyone.  It keeps me out of arguments with others, and myself because I can chat it up in my head pretty good, based on your “shoulds”.  Yeah, no thanks.  So if you’re offering and I’m respectfully declining, you should take the hint.  O-K.  I tend to agree with Keshia Knight Pulliam when she says, “I’d rather laugh – not fuss and fight…you just need to say, “you’re real cool but you’re not for me”

Perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

Superpowers

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Usually a Superpower refers to a state that has a dominant position in international relations and is characterized by its unparalleled ability to exert influence or project power on a global scale. Thank you once again Wikipedia. But there is an emerging, at least in my little universe, group of women that are bantering the term about regularly. These women are a decade…eh hem or more…younger than I but I love the way they think.

Andrea Scher, Karen Walrond, Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert: You have superpowers! they say.

Yes, I do. Apparently I’ve been developing and honing them for years. But I’ve never referred to them as such, it would never occur to me to refer to them as such because…who the hell knows why. Here’s how I see it:

Writing. In a straight forward, tell me what you want to say and I’ll help you say it way. Bring me your voice and your thoughts and I’ll translate for you. I can do that.

Listening. Tell me your story, tell me your pain, tell me your troubles, tell me your predicament, God forbid you tell me your joy. People talk to me, not just my people but a lot of people. Total strangers on a line somewhere who are uncomfortable will talk to me. Any one in any situation will gravitate to me and begin a conversation. Kids will talk to me even dogs will talk to me. It’s the face my best friend keeps telling me.

Exhaling. After hearing and translating and offering I have finally learned that my job is not to fix. My job, the reason I’m here, what I can do, is give. And then exhale. Do NOT make the offer, do NOT volunteer, do NOT deprive yet another individual of the satisfaction of bringing themselves into their own. Even if that means falling down, come to find out the getting up is the reward, the character builder, the friend of resourcefulness.   This superpower was hard earned and it’s still in its initial stages but oh it is going to be big big big.

Process. It’s that interesting balance of common sense, pragmatism and foresight that somehow eludes others. Here’s the secret, it’s not a superpower it’s the ability to look one minute, I mean just one minute, beyond what YOU are doing. If you can master that you will see how, wait for it, others are being effected. A smooth process is about flow, knowing where the flow is being crimped makes you a superhero. There you go, please, get started on this one yourself.

Today is Mother’s Day and usually I struggle through this holiday as a Father’s Daughter. My sister and I spend every Sunday morning with our Mother so to gain perspective in this struggle I came to the conclusion that every Sunday is Mother’s Day but today had cards, and hot bakery rolls and my best behavior. The live and let live, let it go already superpower is still a work in progress. I’m hoping once you recognize a superpower it’s much easier to develop.

I know like I know that these women are on to something when they profess that we all have superpowers. But it’s not about bending steel with your bear hands or xray vision.  As Superheroes themselves, they possess that most invaluable superpower of them all; generosity.