That was the subject line of a recent email I sent to two someones I missed very much.  I missed them because I had lost touch over a period of several years but I never lost them in my heart.  This was not a friend breakup, this was neglect.

From the email:  I’m reminded every year on Doris’ birthday that I haven’t spoken or seen you two in a very long time.  And because of that I usually become paralyzed at what I might find, or not find, if I dial the phone.  I am entirely at fault for letting life get in the way even though life has been very very good.  Busy shouldn’t ever be an excuse, I’m a late learner on that one but I’m coming around.

Continued from the email:  Just wanted to let you know that I think of you both very often and miss you.  Let me know all is well, or all is not, and I’ll be back in touch.  Know that you’re on my mind more than you think.

And so you sit with your finger hovering over the send button.  Doris is in her late 80’s, I have no idea how old Ellie is but we are contemporaries. The what ifs come and the shouldas come and the wouldas come but you won’t ever know unless you hit send.  And so I hit send.  And I hope that these two women will find it in their hearts to take me in again.  They took me in once before over a decade ago when life was difficult and there was school and an internship and and and. We hit it off famously and worked side by side for several years as volunteer counselors, Ellie was the boss we used to joke. They understood difficult lives either through their own or the clients they assisted which made for easy conversation and comfortable silences when they occurred.  I learned from them, I enjoyed them, I cherished them.  I was scared to death waiting, hoping for a reply, hoping for a positive response.

Well well well. LoConti is alive! came the response the next day.  Yes I deserved that but that was the only tiny little swipe and I know I deserved more.  I bit more advanced insight to our Doris’ life and plans were made for lunch in a few days.

So there we were at our favorite diner, ordering off the old familiar menu…we knew Doris would have the omelet with french fries and all seemed right with the world.  Catching up on what’s happened in their lives over the last several years tore at my heart, because I wasn’t around and because it was difficult for them and I should have been.  Not that I could have done much more than make meals for the freezer or just make them laugh with one of my zillion stories but I could have done just that.

These are gracious women who put others ahead of themselves.  These are women of substance and grace that I’ve looked up to and who have looked up to me on occasion.  I’m letting go of the coulda shoulda wouldas and starting from where we are which was a very comfortable and amusing place by the end of our lunch.

Ellie said it was brave of me to take the chance sending the email, maybe it was but I can’t help thinking it was really an easy way out because either way I’d know.  If you find yourself in this situation I truly hope you will do the same.  If there are people who you’ve lost touch with that you care about please take the chance, the not knowing is not conducive to a wonderful life.  You may be disappointed but you will know. Or, like me, you will know like you know that part of your life is intact and part of your legacy is being shared by two wonderful and easily forgiving women.  Hit send…