Tag Archives: I want my hour back

The But List

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But is one of those words that annoys me. I know…among some of the other things annoying me this morning. It’s one of those words that wakes up the universe and tells it to do an about face. That can be a good thing like “I want my god damn hour back but I’m sure I’ll figure out how to do without it beautifully.” Did you hear that universe, a little help would be good on that one. Or someone who says I got my bonus but it was less than last year because of that shitty boss of mine. You say you’re grateful but not so much. That kind of but will bite you in the butt, the universe heard you you know…just sayin.

Here’s a list of my favorite but quotes cause that’s really all I got today without that very precious hour that they took away from me yesterday. Working on it…but it might take a minute or two (listening universe???).

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. Confucius

Correction does much, but encouragement does more. Von Goethe

Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself. Leo Tolstoy

Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different? C.S. Lewis

You’re mad. Bonkers. Off your head…but I’ll tell you a secret…All of the best people are. Alice in Wonderland

Forgive your enemies but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29:11

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love. Buddha

Yesterday is but todays’ memory and tomorrow is today’s dream. Khalil Gibran

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Socrates

Be quick, but don’t hurry. John Wooden

Many people die at 25 but aren’t buried until they are 75. Benjamin Franklin

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. Unknown

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. Soren Kierkgaard

I’m a kind person, I’m kind to everyone, but if you are unkind to me then kindness is not what you’ll remember me for. Al Capone

No one saves us but ourselves. Buddha

The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. Marcel Proust

We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at the goal. Martin Luther King Jr.

And there you have it the universe listening in both directions, for the good and for the lightning bolt moment. It’s a tiny word that bridges your intention so make sure you know your intention before you utter it.

Find though she be but little, she is fierce. Shakespeare.

Where I Used to Live

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Addiction is a vacuum.  It sucks everyone and everything into its grasp.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

When you listen for the breathing, when you listen for movement, when you believe, when you are disappointed.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

When you see the potential in someone, when you know their circumstances, when they continue to fall and picking them up is only empowering to you not them. When you dare to think you can save them you only destroy yourself.   Your fundamental goodness is counterintuitive to what an addict needs.  It then becomes a race to see who will hit bottom first.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

It’s where I used to live.  Now I’ve moved.  To calm, to peace, to the enchanted forest.  I live here now, among all the things that tell my story of escape and joy and very little of what once was. I’ve put the hard life in its place but perhaps there are some boxes that I’ve yet to open.

My home has no attic in which to keep secrets and yet I hear noises coming from above.  Sadly they are familiar noises that sound exactly like a vacuum running. I find myself listening hoping they will stop like when you go too far and the plug pulls from the wall.  I didn’t think I could volunteer to do the cleaning upstairs, I didn’t think I was capable.  I struggled with the helping/hurting of yet another addict.  I know all too well the road to hell is paved with my good intentions.  I can’t go to hell again.

It’s a hard life, it’s a heartache.

But the noises get louder, and then they stop.  Like when you go too far and the plug pulls from the wall.  I can’t ignore the silence, silence could indeed be deadly.  Rally my resources, don’t do this alone, seek counsel of the authorities, seek your younger strength and let’s act.  I can’t bear the silence, I can’t live with the dichotomy of such a good person in free fall not having a soft place to land.

It all comes back, the whole script, all the steps, the surprise, the love required to take someone from the comfort of their addiction into the discomfort of detox and the twelve steps and the sponsor and the ninety meetings in ninety days and the and the and the.  There are times when I deeply resent knowing what I know and then there are times that I am keenly aware that they may save someone’s life…if they allow it.

That said, unpacking those boxes this weekend has been difficult for me, and while I know this shouldn’t be about me, I lived the hard life and I know the heartache.  My friend is safely tucked away in detox, her sisters are trying to fix her but I am giving them the three Cs in every phone call, they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it and they certainly can’t cure it.  I know like I know that I will only do this this one time, that people need to live their own consequence after being given all the tools they need to make it in the world of the clear minded, they are in charge, they too have their own three’s, serenity to accept the things they cannot change, courage to change the things they can and wisdom to know the difference.   God I just want my hour back.