Sometimes the Something is Memories

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Each year in that crazy time between the end of school and the beginning of camp I have the privilege of spending time with Dina and Daniel, two of my favorite people. We’ve got it down to a science, Bye-Bye Mommy, then Starbucks, summer reading, then whatever strikes our fancy.

I’m happy to say that rarely is our time spent in front of a screen unless, of course, it’s the big screen. As life goes on it seems more and more time is spent in front of a screen, but these two days had almost none of it. If there was a bit of screen time it was spent with a dog alongside providing a warm and furry distraction.

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There was coloring.

There was eating.

There was swimming and relaxing by the pool.

There was more coloring and reading and lounging.

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There was a trip to the animal shelter to check out a potential new companion for Toto. This included lessons on rescuing and avoiding pet stores that most likely get their puppies from puppy mills. What’s a puppy mill…,what I thought might be a tough conversation was received so well by these two compassionate kids, and the need to always go with a good breeder or rescue/shelter dog.

There was baking and learning knife skills and how to use a pastry bag. Because we absolutely had to make Mommy’s favorite cookies.

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There were take-charge moments at Starbucks, because who was going to stay in the car with Toto after taking her to work for …”take your dog to work day”. More take-charge moments at Shake Shack, thanks for handling lunch Daniel and dog walking.

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The Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage came through on Friday and Dina and I had a heartfelt conversation about it. Through the eyes of children all faith in humanity is restored. #lovewins

The realization that my time with Dina and Daniel may become a piece of my legacy is incredibly important to me. I have a favorite Aunt persona to maintain and a responsibility to be a safe place for them. More than that the older they get the less time I will have them to myself, soon these ordinary moments in time will make way for busy schedules and no need for camp. I hope the lessons learned stay with them and the memories are as precious to them as they are to me.

When I was in Houston recently I met a woman, Laurie Goldman Smithwick, who was hell bent on starting a movement to Step Away From the Screen and Make Something. The irony is not lost on her that this is curated on-line but she is gathering quite a following of people who feel exactly the same as she does. It’s wonderful to pop in and see some of the innovative ways people are using their time off screen. And so we joined the movement this time too, to step away from the screen and make something. What we learned is that sometimes the something is memories.

To see more of our time together visit us here.

Bill’s Father

 

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It’s no surprise to readers of this blog that I am a Father’s Daughter and usually you have to wait a minute or two before I post on Father’s day.  My Father has been gone for a decade, hard to believe, but I still feel the need to catch him up on all that is important to me on the four hour drive to the Cape.  The man loved to go for a ride.  I won’t have the opportunity to do that this year, my Cape weeks are all askew but thankfully they will eventually happen.  Instead I’d like you to enjoy someone else’s Father, I know I did.

Earlier this year I received an email from a friend and colleague looking to share a story on Ordinary Legacy.  I encourage all of you to do so but he took me up on it. The email was simple, “My Father wrote something back in 1952 when I was only one year old.  He passed away in 2002.”  With permission to post, he said, I believe you will enjoy it.

September, 1952

 My Walk Alone

By Walter William Stoeckel

The dark dimmed fields and woods of the countryside gathered me up in a silent welcome as I walked alone in the cool stillness of the summer night. The air was filled with the silver dust of moonlight sifting down silently and settling all around me as though caressing everything it touched. Far away – somewhere between my listening ear and the dark silhouette of the horizon – a night bird softly called and the distant muffled bark of a dog seemed to answer its melancholy call.

The road ahead mutely beckoned as it vanished dimly round the bend dragging the staggering fence posts in its wake while their strands of barbed wire struggled vainly to preserve some semblance of order in the lurching line. Only the sentinel like telephone poles stood alertly erect silently relaying their messages on threads of wire etched sharply against the powdery blue of the moonlit sky. A night sky so bright only a few scattered twinkling stars peeked through.

 A peaceful serenity caught me in its spell as I continued on alone entranced by the aura of tranquility in which I seemed to be completely immersed. The gentle touch of the dying evening breeze seemed subtly soothing to my cheek and brow. With a sigh I drank in this utopia. Then suddenly, I thought of the reality the morning would bring shattering this peaceful silence with screaming black headlines, blaring radios, and it’ cacophony of voices all vying for my attention. Repeating over and over again the stories of hate, violence, bigotry, deceit and death while trying vainly to justify man’s sins and weaknesses by linking them to noble sounding causes, rationalizing them in the name of logic and blindly believing it to be somehow synonymous with reason. Why must man forever covert and rarely cherish? How much bounty must there be to slake the thirst of greed? Why is his lust for power greater than his need?

My mind wandered, as did I, alone in the night. I peered through the bright darkness of the countryside around me and listened intently to its silence. I spoke to myself aloud, and not unfervently – “If only all this could be mine. If only some great benevolent landowner would say to me: (‘This is yours, all of it, as far as you can see or hear. Yours to do with as you wish for as long as you want it’) how everlastingly grateful I would I be.” To be able to relax in peace and quiet; to be able to build a little world of my own, free from a world of tarnish and greed., free from men living too much on the misfortunes and sufferings of each other. Ahh! This would be a dream come true.

I suddenly stopped and stood still in the road as the truth struck me with a stunning force and I must confess a degree of condemnation. In a moment I became aware that a great land owner really had given me this to do with as saw fit as long as I wished. Slowly I began to walk again but now the night, the countryside and I had changed and I knew what I should have known before.

I had been walking in the night but I had not been walking alone.bills dad 2

Imagine my joy in reading this treasure.  I couldn’t help thinking that for the next fifty years of his life Bill’s father lived this revelation.  I wanted very much to know if that was true.  I wanted to know if this was written for something or merely to cement his thoughts and be used as a reminder when life intruded as it did on his walk.  I was curious to know more about this wonderful story that made him think of Ordinary Legacy. My friend did not disappoint.

I never knew my father had written “My Walk Alone” while he was alive. He passed away in 2002. I found this and several other ponderings while going through his files helping my Mom with his affairs. I transcribed what he wrote so I could save it, and share it with my family. I forgot about it till last weekend, I was going through my files looking for things to send my son.  He asked me to send what I call Billisms.

My Dad went by his middle name Bill (William). He was an interesting guy who had a great worldly curiosity. He wasn’t the kind of Dad that played ball with the kids, or went to sporting events. He would take us to plays, or symphony concerts, or the circus.  He was a very good photographer. He loved taking pictures of flowers, and landscapes and people. He took all his pictures in slide format, and we would sit around the house while dad had a slide show of his collections. We didn’t really appreciate it enough when we were kids.

He was not interested in cars or mechanics. He was an artist who did fantastic pencil drawings, and did enameling work for a while. When he was young, he worked as an artist for the Scranton Lace Company designing Lace patterns.

He was an avid gardener with a huge vegetable garden, and numerous sculpted flower beds. He was an amateur actor, and director and played many roles. He was a Deacon in the Church, yet he loved science. He was great at giving sermons. He was an accomplished golfer, and President of his golf club. He was an accomplished gymnast, and I remember he could go up and down the stairs of our house walking on his hands. 

He had a great laugh, and was a handsome man with twinkling, radiant blue eyes. 

What fond memories of an interesting man, I can see why Bill loves some of the things he does.  I can also see where he takes after his father, living his life the way he wants his story told.  This is no ordinary legacy, three generations sharing the gifts of each other carrying on and adding original links that reach back and forward.  I am deeply grateful to have been able to share this with our little community.

Ordinary Legacy loves Billism #34:

Reading history is informative.

  1. Remember history is helpful.
  2. Making history is living life to its fullest.

To all of you who have your fathers close, enjoy them, even the slide shows, they are too quickly gone but as you can clearly see, never forgotten.  Thank you, Thank you Bill for the gift of this story for us all.

 

 

 

 

Soul Cleanse

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Many people suffer at different times of the year, most common is around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  I won’t say I suffer, but I become nostalgic, and mournful, and something…between Memorial Day and Father’s Day.  It may seem an odd time but it is steeped in loss, and remorse and second guessing.  It’s also filled with hope but it takes a minute to get there.  It usually culminates in a long discussion with my Father on Father’s day on the way to the Cape but this year is different, I won’t be taking that ride until a few weeks after Father’s Day.

Instead I will spend some time with my dearest friend and niece Carly doing a 5k color run.  Don’t get excited, I’ll be walking but still… I’ll be among people and laughter and joy instead of having the same discussion I’ve been having for the last decade. There is a time to hold on and there is a time to let go.

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As if to set in stone this is a time to let go, I happened to attend a funeral mass yesterday for a business associate’s father.  I didn’t know the man but I’ve known his son for fifteen years.  I’m not sure why I decided to go but it was enlightening and emotional and bought me clarity on so many levels.  Normally I am steadfast emotionally at these things but I was tearful at the love shown, the grandchildren left behind, the music, the ritual of the mass, and the regret that my father’s passing was so very different.  It became more and more apparent that his legacy was left exclusively in our hands and what an enormous responsibility we had taken on. The fact is his legacy is ours to treasure we are not responsible for it, we didn’t create it.  It is only up to us to tell his truth.

There is no greater energy than the energy you find within a church or temple or any spiritual place of devotion.  It blankets you whether you are of the sect or not.  I love the feeling but I’ve let go of the need to participate as part of the flock.  So many questions whirl around me are answered by my knowing that “God ain’t mad at me”.  As Lincoln said, “When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad. That is my religion.”

I’ve been journaling my thoughts and revelations over the past two weeks and more and more I’m drawn to the words of one of my Lime Sisters, “My grip is loosening.”  Thank you A’Driane Nieves for the generosity of your truth and your talent, you can’t begin to know the legacy you are creating.  I am grateful for your friendship and sisterhood albeit from afar.  I miss my Lime Sisters and their unbridled energy.  I need a tribe…

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My journaling has brought many revelations about introverts vs extroverts, fear, loneliness and motivation. How to begin, when to know if it’s smarter to keep on going or walk away.  What brings joy and what the hell is my purpose.

I’ve come to realize that my purpose comes at a cost.  When you are a go to person and people get what they need they go away. They go away whole and better and joyful and grateful but they do go away.

I’ve also come to realize that my concentration should always be on the ones who stay and become family.  Concentrate on the ones who come back and share their wholeness and a bit of themselves with me on a higher level of equilibrium.

I’m grateful for those wonderful people who let me vent, or rant, or withdraw but don’t freak out as if the world was going to end.  I’m even more grateful for the people who reciprocate what they have gotten without missing a beat. The dear Aunt M’s continue to support and enrich my life.

And so my soul cleanse these past few weeks has been difficult and rewarding.  It has been emotional and joyful.  It has cemented my story the way I want it told.  My six word memoir, a woman of substance who shared, still rings true to me.  I am looking forward to letting go that which is no longer mine and embracing that which belongs to me.

 

 

What to say?

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Anne Lamott, my favorite spiritual rantist, let loose on her Facebook page today about what people should say in certain situations.  It is brilliant and you should read it if you haven’t already.

I’ve been in several situations this week that relate.  My own was on Memorial Day which is notoriously a somber nostalgic day for me.  Add to that everyone plucked my last nerve, because do you still not know the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day.  Nothing was moving fast enough for me, I was due for a pity party extraordinaire, and the day just wouldn’t end fast enough.  It wasn’t even a full moon.  Enter my best friend Sandra, who has an uncanny ability to just pick up the phone for no reason and get bombarded with my shit.  To which, she listens and nods (even though I can’ see it) and then says a few words of brilliance at the end of my rant that puts a bow of validation on it and tells me to pour and inch and take the rest of the day off.  I barely even remember what those words were but they worked just like they always do.  The funny part is she doesn’t really trust that so she keeps me on a kind of “watch” through the next day…just in case.

Then another dear friend learned of her mother’s stroke, which left her devastated and helpless being so far from her mother.  There are things as adults of a certain age that we know are inevitable yet we are struck by them none the less.  We had an entire discussion by text…how the hell do you comfort someone and read their emotions by text.  It’s possible if you know them very very well, if you know what their underlying pain is, the pain they only show certain people they trust.  It can be done if you create a vigil of keeping in touch and checking in.  It can be done if you mirror what they are saying and just let them know you’re there for them, which is infinitely easier by text.  This is a day by day, minute by minute situation uniquely suited to the instant messaging phenomenon.

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There is a relatively new practice where people create a Journey page for someone who is ill.  It becomes a place where progress can be shared and prayers can be exchanged and all manner of positive discussion can take place.  There is a huge initial outpouring from friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances, note the word initial.  There are the best of intentions from each of the participants but somehow people drop off, especially if the progress isn’t good. It becomes uncomfortable and people can’t seem to find the words.  This makes me at once sad and pissed.  I get it, you don’t know what to say but it’s a commitment people sometimes don’t realize.  Someone has to keep that commitment, yeah I know.  Perhaps post, haven’t heard in a while, how’s everything?  Just thinking of you.  How’s the family?  Anything you need?  Be the person who starts the conversation again, even if it’s uncomfortable, say something.  They will appreciate it more than wondering where everyone went.

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There are times when it’s better to react with no reaction like me wanting to tattle on the guy that’s taking up valuable parking real estate with his third car (which he’s not supposed to have) only to find out it might be because it would be easier for his near death dog to get into from that parking space.  My constant nagging myself about checking my motivation proved invaluable in this situation because I kept asking myself why does this bother you so much.  What makes you so righteous…amen, keep checking that motivation.  My sister is having a similar conversation with herself about a friend of hers and I’m pretty sure she’s coming to the same conclusion; some things are just not yours to speak to…

In the end I think I gave some solid advice to someone just going into divorce mediation this week.  I suggested she make a list of what she wanted posed in the most positive light possible starting with the things that would be easiest to say and for the other to hear.  The list is important in these instances if one tends to get flustered and God knows you can live much easier with yourself if you’ve taken the high road.

“listen before you speak and if you speak with truth and compassion for yourself and himself it will be exactly as it should be…”

Do with that what you will.

 

 

 

 

Memorial Day ∞ 3PM

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I hope you will forgive me when I say that today is not the day to thank a veteran for their service.  You can do that any other day, every other day but not today.  Today is the day to remember the veterans that lost their lives in battle, our war dead.

As much as I would like this to be about all the veterans that have gone on, my father, Kyle’s father, Muriel’s father and as much as my heart aches that they are no longer with us it’s not about them either.  And they wouldn’t want it to be.  They understood that this day was about the some who gave all.

When my father spent his last years at the NJ Veterans Home in Paramus we had the honor of being there each Memorial Day.  It’s a solemn and nostalgic day for most of the residents who share stories of Sargent This or Lieutenant That or Ensign Whoever among themselves not with you but with each other.  To be fortunate enough to overhear these stories is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. These men and women suffer that loss each year and it never gets easier.  They enjoy their visitors and their hot dogs but only after the most heart wrenching version of taps is played.  Live, in full uniform, no recording. With hand to heart and tears running down their faces they remember.

Only they can remember with the full respect the day deserves having been there and lived to tell about it.  They do not take that privilege lightly and they don’t speak lightly about it either.  They alone can look another veteran in the eye and speak volumes without uttering a sound.  They alone can smile at the well-intended gratitude of those around them and hope that they will also take a minute to hear taps at the local parade and understand the meaning and heartbreak in the melancholy notes.  I won’t ever be able to hear those notes without the lump in my throat or the tears on my face. I have those tears now, I have them each year.

There are thousands of families reliving the loss of someone dear each Memorial Day.  Mostly these families are enduring each day without their loved one. If you are mindful you can hear snippets all around you.  In the grocery store when a little boy asks his Mom, did Daddy like watermelon too? Yes honey he did she says in the most controlled and low voice you will ever hear. She has to turn away.  Then the volunteer collecting for the care packages to go overseas with his hand on a young man’s shoulder telling him it will be alright. There are stories and legacies everywhere begging to be honored in just the smallest ways.  It is the very least we can do to stop and truly participate in their grief if only for a moment.

From the Memorial Day Tribute site:

In 1996, a humanitarian organization based in Washington, D.C., known as ‘No Greater Love’ conducted a survey on children and asked them why they think there is a holiday on Memorial Day. It was agonizing to hear their remarks that were all associated with barbecues and extended weekend parties and celebration, while they hadn’t the vaguest idea about the sacrifices of the soldiers in whose honor it is celebrated. One of the children was even quoted as saying that this was the day when swimming pools open! Thus, the organization came up with the idea of ‘National Moment of Remembrance’ to remind and especially, let the future generations know about the real meaning of the holiday. The idea clicked with the President and Congress and since 1997, it became a standard American tradition. National Moment of Remembrance requires everybody to keep silent for a minute, exactly at 3.00 pm (local time) when ‘Taps’ is played and reflect on the glory of those who have shed blood for us. The federal government hopes to raise public awareness about the heroes and their valor by introducing this moment.

The greatest glory of a free-born people is to transmit that freedom to their children. -William Havard This is your opportunity to participate for just that moment.  Perhaps someone will thank you…