In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete….Louise Hay

This is one of the many affirmations I say each day, but it became hard to believe this week.  Somehow it all comes down to trust, even when the biopsy you so hoped would be negative turned out to be positive for cancer.  That little clown of a girl has cancer, a really nasty kind that could leave her gone from us more quickly then we hoped.  Is there any way to reconcile that in your head; is there any way to get through that?  I believe that everything is either a blessing or a lesson.  Which is this?

The Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death or death of someone. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I’m pretty sure I’ve hit them all and believe it or not I arrived at acceptance quickly with the help of some very dear people.

In a conversation with our superhero vet, Dr. Lane, several things became clear.  Chemo for this cancer is five rounds three weeks apart and is not only covered by insurance but isn’t the violent reactive chemo seen so often in humans.  A day at the vet (we’ve decided to start calling it the spa) home that evening and a good sleep through the night and probably the next day.  She won’t be herself certainly but she won’t be devastatingly ill either.  That would give me time with her sister; time to begin re-socializing her to new places and new people, possibly even new dogs.

The average extension of her life with chemo, I’m going to repeat on average, is seven months.  I damn near fainted at that very tiny amount of time but defying average requires that cancer hasn’t spread and no cells were found in her liver (the first place it usually shows up).  Her lungs are clear, her heart is strong and her systems are good i.e. she’s got perfect poop…even in recovery after surgery.  So my little Lina has a very good chance of beating the odds in terms of time with us.  Significant in this equation is the fact that she and Toto will be eight years old in February and the normal average (there’s that word again) lifespan for these dogs is about nine or ten.

So these are the facts, kinda, but what about quality of life?  It’s all about Q of L baby as Cookie used to say.  The chances are that she will be the same as she is today until she’s not and she will tell you, I know like I know like I know.  So for instance, last Monday when she came home there was no way to get a pill in her.  These are pain pills child you’re going to be miserable without them.  And antibiotics, I refuse to watch a dog die of sepsis…do you hear me?  She was having none of it, drooling, shaking her head doing that clucking sound trying to get the taste out of her mouth…jeez.  But I won, cause I’m the mother that’s why.  One peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a multigrain sandwich round given at rapid fire every other bite going to Toto then the one with the pill to Lina then back to Toto and continued bites without a pill.  Oh yes I won, make no mistake about it but the point is she had joy in eating the sandwich, comes running for it now.   When she eats the food goes all over, even into the water bowl, so she scours the place for the remnants and actually bobs for the nuggets in the water bowl.  She’s truly a clown to be kept around as long as we can and as long as she can.

This all sounds very matter of fact but I can assure you it was an emotional train wreck.  The not knowing and then finding out while I’m on a dealer visit.  The kindness and beautifully discreet way these colleagues left the room while I took the call was only one of the many ways I was truly blessed.  This led to a very interesting Ordinary Legacy moment about dogs living in the moment and not being burdened with the knowledge that they will someday die.  We should do the same, go drive that car you always wanted to, visit that country, learn to knit, stay in the moment and not worry about the terror management of dying someday.

The texts and phone calls that simply said, here if you need me or just checking in or just wanted to hear your voice or how’s you were timely and passionate.  I was and am still surrounded by caring people who know exactly what to say and exactly when to say it.  Don’t get me wrong there are those people who inevitably will want to tell you their story about the time their dog…..I stayed with them in the moment knowing that they weren’t yet healed but in the back of my mind I’m screaming shut the hell up.  Therein lays one of the best lessons about recognizing who can be there with you and who can’t and deciding what you want to do with those people.

We’ve begun making our Christmas cookies as a way of infusing some normal around here, and is there anything better for the spirit than the smell of anise cookies filling the house?  I can assure you there really isn’t…

And so we’ve prepared to accept our fate and we have a plan.  We will begin chemo sometime after Christmas and keep a watchful eye on the Q of L baby.  We will live in those wonderful dog moments and begin to transition Toto (and me) into the inevitable life without Lina.  We will make it about play and pictures and life not about death.  Yes that is the lesson and the blessing.